Attributes of a D/s Relationship

D/s is a standard ('vanilla') relationship with the added dynamics brought about by the power exchange. What many tend to forget is that all healthy relationships (D/s or not) carry a set of attributes which require focus by both parties if they are to last.

Additional attributes ride on top of this foundation related particularly to the power exchange dynamic. However, when you consider D/s as a dynamic on top of a standard relationship, it is clear that no healthy D/s relationship can exist without the proper foundation.

We cannot afford to assume that because we share a communication channel regarding D/s, we can neglect the fundamental needs of our relationships, or consider them any less critical than those of our 'vanilla' friends.

Intuitively, we feel this need, however it tends to confuse the roles of Dominance and submission with the roles of partners and lovers. Is a Dominant allowed to give pleasure for the sake of pleasing or does that make them less Dominant? Should a submissive communicate their wants and needs or is that topping from the bottom?

These are the mental battles which conflict between partners and make maintaining satisfaction in the D/s aspect of the relationship difficult.

The answer lies in developing an understanding of the attributes of the D/s relationship, identifying the sources of these attributes, and deciding for ourselves what we need and want based on those sources. Only then can we monitor the health of our relationships and feel comfortable in our roles as Dominants, submissives, partners and lovers.

The purpose of this article is to promote thinking about these attributes, identifying their two primary sources and exploring ways to put them into the proper perspective as part of a lifestyle D/s relationship.

Separation of the Attributes of the D/s Relationship
With respect to the needs and expectations of the parties in this relationship, we can separate the D/s relationship into its component parts; the relationship and the power exchange. For the purpose of discussion, we do not allow overlapping of these parts.

In day to day activities, the line between these may be blurred, however, it is valid to enforce this separation when focusing on the intent of actions and the setting of expectations (both of which result in greater satisfaction and longevity in any relationship).

I urge all of you to stand back and consider your daily interactions in this light and to monitor your actions accordingly. In other words, intellectually separate the intent of actions (both yours as well as those of your submissive) along these lines, not only to help determine whether an action is appropriate or not, but also to identify what each of you are gaining from the actions.

The Attributes
The attributes of EVERY healthy relationship include (but cannot be limited to): love, caring, honesty, openness, trust, desire, commitment, and respect. It is VERY important to realize that these attributes are mutual. Both parties can (and should) expect these from their partner. In fact, failure to deliver these fundamental tenets by either partner will result in the eventual destruction of the relationship.

Nothing about these attributes is either Dominant or submissive. They are attributes of mutuality...of equality. For a relationship to be strong, D/s or not, these basic attributes must form the foundation.

Attributes of the D/S dynamic are more one-sided. The submissive commits to the partner. He/she strives to meet the Dom/mes needs, make life easier, and dedicate themselves to pleasing the Dom/me. The partner, in turn, accepts the submission, agrees to be the object of this effort(s) (which takes some getting used to), and commits to help them learn to satisfy the Dom/me.

Notice that the attributes of the D/S dynamic are not mutual. By virtue of the power exchange agreement, the submissive cannot expect or demand any more of the partner than the Dom/mes assistance, whereas the Dominant partner has every expectation that the submissive will keep to their word and work on that which the dynamic demands.

Intent of Action
For example, a person who serves another for reasons other than their own free will (by force, by coercion, by trickery, etc.) is not actually submitting - regardless of how 'submissive' their acts may be. Acts of chivalry are not considered submissive by the vanilla person (especially if the intent of holding a door is to look down the woman's blouse while she passes and 'check out' her butt from behind her!). However the same acts performed by a 'slave' are considered quite submissive. The difference is the intent of the action.

This intent defines itself within the context of the source of the relationship's attributes. Gifts and treats are acts of love, caring, respect, and the like. These originate within the foundation of the relationship, should be understood as such, and must not be confused with the D/s dynamic.

During a given day, the submissive, acting in accordance with their commitment to true submission and the preferences of their partner, will do whatever they think will best please the Dom/me. (For my subs, this entails striving to anticipate my needs, removing obstacles to make my life easier, acting in my best interest before being asked, and answering to me on all counts :the particulars will differ from Dominant to Dominant - which is why subs must LEARN how to submit to their partner's unique and individual preferences).

Clearly actions taken by the sub in this light are originated within the power exchange. These actions are neither mutual, nor can they be expected in return from the sub's perspective.They do not do these in hopes of gaining personal favors or obtaining anything in return other than the pleasure they will get by serving.

As a Dominant woman dealing with a submissive, I become quite demanding when it comes to this type of activity. I'm careful not to let the sub's needs dominate our actions. I'm careful to frame all acceptance of this submission in this light: appraising the sub in terms of my satisfaction (rather than their 'correctness'), and apprising them of ways to improve. I don't want our lifestyle to turn into an indefinitely long scene.

To avoid scene-like theatrics, I'm careful to eliminate words like 'punishment', 'discipline' or 'correction', favoring rather 'displeasure', 'dissatisfaction', and 'improvement'. Their submission is graded by my opinion, their performance by my happiness.

Clearly we do not act from only one source. The key goal is to mutually understand the origin of the intent of our actions. Now we can answer those earlier questions in a way which will allow us to feel comfortable in our roles: Should a dominant give pleasure for the sake of pleasing? Should a submissive communicate their wants and needs?

Based on all we've just discussed, of course! However, neither party should consider the intent of these actions sourced by the power exchange.

For example, from time to time, I like to scene with my subs. I enjoy giving them pleasure, playing with their D/S needs and even their BDSM needs. I'll set up scenarios designed to attack their fantasies and fetishes. In short, I give them a kind of paradise. I encourage them to tell me all about their interests, wants and needs. I become an expert at understanding them, empathizing with the submissive and delivering them. The source for the intent of my actions is D/s,and it is love, caring, and respect.

Conclusion:
If you're currently in a D/s relationship, step back and give it a thorough assessment. Look at the activities you both participate in and identify the source. Discuss it with your partner. Come to an agreement as to whether these actions are 'Foundation-based' or 'Power Exchange-based'. Once you've come to that agreement, it is time to set expectations.

Foundation-based expectations must be mutually met. This is done through the use of compromise. Don't expect that just because it's foundation-based,the Dom/me HAS to do it for you. You are in 'Vanilla' territory. You may need to settle for, "I'll take it under advisement, but it makes me uncomfortable". Be happy with what you get. Settle through compromise and understand what you're getting.

Power Exchange-based expectations are one way...the Dom/mes. That's what you sign up for when you make the agreement. The submissive is permitted the two expectations mentioned before, to have their submission accepted and to have help in learning how to do it correctly. As a submissive, you cannot expect any quid-pro-quo or 'rewards'. Yours is a giving role.

©Reigen Du Coly

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