If you look up "bondage" in the dictionary, you might find definitions like "slavery" or "servitude" and indeed that's what the word means to some people. To others, it means simply being restrained in some ways, "giving up some amount of control".
So why are people drawn to bondage? Some might oversimplify and suggest those into bondage want to submit and give up control. For many, however, bondage is just a bridge to take them someplace else they want to go. It might be an occasional dash of spice in an otherwise vanilla sex life or a person's erotic world might revolve around it. In general, bondage is liberating in some way. It allows things to happen that couldn't otherwise happen. It's best viewed as a tool used to enhance sexual or other forms of pleasure. There are many subtle flavors.
Types of Bondage submissives
If people are into bondage for different reasons, what are they? Why does a particular submissive want to get tied up? It's a very fundamental and important question but one that's rarely asked and often difficult for the submissive to answer.
submissive/slave
This person is mainly interested in submitting to the Dominant. The act of submission is their main turn-on and the Dom is their main focus. They enjoy being "used" for someone else's pleasure (although most also expect to also receive pleasure themselves). For a serious submissive, physical bondage isn't all that important for most scenes, as the "bondage" can just as easily be psychological (i.e. the Dominant orders them not to move from a given position).
Loss of Control Lover
This person is very different from the submissive/slave. They don't so much submit to the Dominant, as submit to the bondage. They want to feel as out-of-control as possible. They view bondage as the primary means for the Dominant to make them feel as helpless as possible, rather than as an end in itself. They often love severe bondage like sensory deprivation and mummification. They might judge a hood or gag by its effectiveness not what it looks like or what it's made out of. They like the bondage inescapable and may play without a safeword to end the scene.
Endorphin junkie.
This person is subtly different from the others. They crave a very specific kind of intensity most of us call pain. They're unique enough to deserve their own category. For them, bondage opens the door for various pain scenes. For example, bondage may be required to hold an Endorphin junkie in place for a heavy whipping which in turn creates the endorphin rush they desire. The endorphins are what drive them while the bondage is often necessary to get there.
Few things are black and white and while you can categorize most submissives into one of the above descriptions, they may fit one or more others. Recognize that very different things often drive these players. Section 7 contains more details on each of these types.
Compatibility
So how do you know if someone is compatible with your interests? Many Dominants have a fair amount of flexibility but it only goes so far. Compatibility is clearly important.
Too often, submissives select a Dominant based mainly on trust, appearances and personality with little regard for exactly what the Dominant's into. For the submissive/slave, that's probably OK. For some of the other types, however, it may result in both being disappointed. Compatibility is obviously important in finding play partners yet it's amazing how casually it's often done. You can trust your instincts for some things but that's only half the battle in finding a bondage partner.
Dominants usually know what turns them on. They often started as submissives and even if they didn't, have a good idea of what they're after. Many are still submissives at heart who, for whatever reason, are mostly in the Dominant role. For these Dominants, in particular, it's usually important the submissive be into their kind of scene. The closer the submissive's interests are to what they'd enjoy as submissive, the better the scene.
Some Dominants are genuinely versatile. They're unselfish and enjoy pleasing the other person. They can often accommodate most types of submissives, but the more they know about the submissive the better the scene's likely to be. Many Dominants don't ask the right questions. I've often been asked something like, "So tell me about your interest in all this?" Such an open-ended question usually leaves a nervous submissive at a loss for words. A few Dominants hit the other extreme and give the submissive a detailed questionnaire in advance. While a questionnaire usually helps define specific kinds of play I've yet to see one that covers why the submissive is into the scene in the first place. It's a question that's best asked in person (or perhaps over the phone) but often is never asked at all.
Figuring Out Your submissive
So let's say you've just met a prospective submissive online or in a bar. Can you figure out which type they are? It might seem obvious to some, but in my experience a lot of players seem to gloss right over many important clues (or they're horny enough not to care).
Play Suggestions
Once you've got your partner figured out, how do you cater to their needs? Experienced players know the brain is the greatest sex organ of all and if a submissive's head is in the right place, their body will follow. Bondage can go a long ways towards creating the right kind of headspace. It can be symbolic (a collar around the neck) or very real (total immobilization). It can create strong visuals for the submissive either literally or in their mind's eye. It's a powerful tool and you should know how to make the most of it given the person(s) you're playing with.
Experienced players can usually draw from their past experience, but a novice cannot. They haven't tried most things and may not even know many of the possibilities. So what to do as Dominant? If you're a submissive and like surprises, you may want to skip this section. If you're a Dominant and looking for ideas, here are some things to explore either verbally beforehand, or to actually try during a scene with each of the types defined earlier:
Submissive Slave
Remember bondage is usually secondary to this submissive but symbolic bondage can be very welcome. For example, you might try locking a collar on them from the beginning. They're mainly into being told what to do and knowing they're pleasing the Dominant. The verbal aspect of the scene is usually important. Some are into humiliation, being treated like an animal, etc. Most are into being used sexually in one way or another. Others want to be tested and pushed--proud of having pleased you and living up to your expectations. Bondage can be useful when pushing their limits (consensually). It may help them psychologically give into what's happening. It can also be used for punishment or enforcement.
Loss of Control Lover
This person wants to feel as helpless as possible. It's best for the Dominant to take control physically, mentally and verbally from the start of the scene. Sex may or may not be involved. Consider taking the submissive into the scene blindfolded (or hooded) so they cannot see their surroundings and are kept guessing as to what's going to happen. Surprise them--try to guess what they're expecting and do something different. The bondage should not only be inescapable but oriented toward making the submissive feel as helpless as possible. Consider mummification with saran wrap, restraining the head, binding fingers and toes together with duct tape, etc. Very effective gags such as inflatable ones or those that hold the jaw shut can be employed to prevent the submissive from communicating with words (never leave a submissive unattended even for a few seconds with a gag that can interfere with their breathing or cause choking). A safeword (or signal) to indicate a problem the Dominant is unaware of is always a good idea (i.e. an arm going numb, etc.) but otherwise consider a "no-way-out" kind of scene. Consensual kidnappings are another option.
Endorphin junkie.
It takes special skill to safely play with most of these submissives. They're after a chemical high that can require administering fairly heavy pain to induce. Some get off on many different kinds of pain, while others are into more specific things--whipping and flogging being some of the most popular. The bondage should generally allow for some freedom of movement, as the submissive will often use body language (knowingly or otherwise) to communicate with the Dominant. A heavy endorphin scene can go far enough to where the submissive is largely incapable of intelligent speech. It's beyond the scope of this article to get into the details of really heavy pain scenes. They're best left for experienced players. Sex is usually not part of a heavy endorphin scene.
The above are just some ideas for each type of player. Obviously, the possibilities are almost unlimited. Variety is the spice of life and creativity will usually be rewarded. There are many resources on the net and in print regarding play ideas, specific techniques, etc. Try to put yourself in the submissive's place, envision what they might be thinking and act accordingly. If you also have experience as submissive, and they share your interests, you can often simply do what you'd enjoy most as the scene progresses. Pay attention to their feedback during the scene (verbal and otherwise) and discuss the scene with them afterwards (even if you don't think you'll play again). There's something to be learned from every scene. This is as much an art as a science.
Have Fun!
Hopefully this article has given you some new insight into the various kinds of players. Sometimes it's the subtle things that matter most. Consensual bondage is all about you and your partner(s) enjoying what's happening. Talk about it, ask questions, look at pictures, share past experiences, try new things, check out other resources and above all have fun!
Basic Bondage Hints
Bondage is a vast Dominantic: there are an infinite number of ways of restraining someone and a myriad of reasons why people might need or want to be restrained. Deciding what sort of bondage is appropriate for a particular scene requires careful consideration and discussion. Thankfully, without losing sight of anyone's individuality, we can distinguish at least three basic factors involved in determining the sort of bondage you might use. As with most such distinctions in SM, most players fall somewhere between the two poles, with their interests varying from scene to scene.
General Hints
The following hints about involving bondage successfully in a scene are arguably good advice in all scenes, irrespective of the actual bondage involved. These points are in addition to the usual safety concerns.
For Dominants
Be competent, confident and decisive about what you are doing. Be familiar with your tools and technique. Of course there will be occassions when you are using something for the first time on someone else but try to keep the number of new things you introduce to a minimum and do as much as you can to familiarise yourself with the technique or item first. Fumbling too much with bondage is boring and isn't going to inspire confidence in you.
Be aware of what you want to achieve and avoid unintended effects. Make sure things aren't pinching where they're not supposed to, for example.
Think about what you are doing in the context of the whole scene. If the kind of bondage you use prevents a certain activity you may want to engage in later on, you'll either have to avoid that activity or interrupt the scene to remove or modify the bondage.
Use only as much bondage as is necessary in the particular scene. Don't waste time and energy doing things that aren't appreciated.
Make sure you know how to remove the bondage before you put it on. This isn't only important for safety but also helps the smooth running of the scene.
Make sure the bondage is strong and secure enough for the job in hand, even if safety doesn't depend on it — bondage breaking or coming undone in the middle of a scene is one of the most irritating distractions in SM!
For submissives
Be especially clear about the kind of bondage you want and expect, and honest about how much you struggle and attempt to escape and how much you want that to be prevented.
Remember it's not always easy for Dominants to know how the bondage feels, and don't be afraid to alert them to potential problems, such as pinched skin or unexpected discomfort, as soon as you notice them: if that chafing buckle is irritating you now, don't kid yourself it will get better, because the opposite is more likely to be true, and interrupting the scene at a later stage will be much more frustrating for both of you.
Rope Bondage
Rope is one of the cheapest and most flexible of bondage toys. Using rope effectively means learning some simple knots .
A rope handcuff is a very simple and basic rope technique. Take a 2m (6') length of 8mm (3/8") rope and, with the submissive's palms flat together in a praying position, wrap it three or four times around both wrists fairly snugly, leaving about 1.5cm (1/2") space between the wrists and a good 30cm (1') of rope dangling. Now take both ends of the rope and wrap them in opposite directions around the loops between the wrists, and tie off with a bow or reef knot. It is best to wrap not around the thinnest part of the wrist but slightly further up the arm, just above the bony knob that sticks out on the little finger side of the wrist.
A slightly more complex alternative is to use cinch loops. First wrap the rope around the wrists as above but with a slightly shorter length so as not to leave any rope dangling, and tie it off. Now make the cinch loops by wrapping a second length around the first length between the wrists.
There are other positions for tying the wrists than the praying one. A popular one is with the wrists crossed at right angles behind the back and palms outward. A very useful position is with the hands one on Dominant of the other against the lower back, palms outwards and elbows bent almost at right angles. This has the advantage of being relatively comfortable when the submissive is laying on their back, especially with a pillow under the buttocks. It also keeps the hands well out of the way of the buttocks and is a good example of a form of safety bondage if used during a buttock beating scene, since it prevents the submissive from trying to shield the buttocks with their hand and risking a hand injury.
Similar techniqes can be used for tying ankles, elbows and knees together, or for tying ankles to wrists and so on. A classic version of this last technique is the hogtie, where someone is bound laying on their stomach with legs bent up and back at the knee and wrists fitted firmly to ankles.
As well as tying a submissive's body parts together, rope can also be used for fixing them to another object. As with cinch loops, it is best to use two lengths of rope here. First wrap the limb, including a loop or incorporating a D-ring or shackle (but not next to the skin). Then use another length of rope to attach the limb to the fixing point. That way, tension between the limb and the fixing point will not increase the tightness on the limb itself. Don't be afraid to use plenty of rope — it's cheap!
Bondage Health and Safety
Fortunately, none of the dangers in basic bondage are inherent; all are preventable with good techniques and sensible precautions. In general:
Never make any restraint too tight, especially around joints (wrists, elbows, knees, ankles) or the neck — anywhere that major arteries or veins are near the surface. Generally, the harder and less flexible the restraint, the looser it should be. Metal cuffs and collars should be the loosest; they should be able to slide easily around the limb or neck. Light, flexible chains looped around a wrist or ankle and padlocked can be a little tighter, but very heavy, large-link chains can bruise a joint or pinch a nerve as easily as solid cuffs and should be used with caution. Stiff leather cuffs can be tighter but should still have some play in them so they can be adjusted on the limb to keep the tension in a comfortable, safe direction. Rope and soft leather restraints, such as very lightweight cuffs or strips of glove leather, can be snug, but even with these you should be able to work one or two fingers between the restraint and the body.
Snug restraints should not be left on too long, and never without regular monitoring. Every 10 minutes or so, check for cooling of the skin or discoloration (usually whitening) on the limb below where the restraint is fastened. Ask the submissive to tell you if any extremity starts to go numb (and submissives should always volunteer this information if necessary).
Avoid excess strain on muscles or joints by multiplying the points of tension to spread the effect over a wider area. Don't limit a rope web, for instance, to attachments at the wrists and ankles; attach ties to the elbows, knees, shoulders, waist, and thighs as well. The more widely distributed tension will be more exciting as well as safer. When you must put substantial tension on a single point, as when the submissive is held upright by restraints on hands stretched above the head, distribute the pressure over as wide an area as possible through the use of padded cuffs or wide coils of rope cinched between arms or legs.
Never leave someone who's inescapably bound completely alone for long periods, and no more than a minute or two if they are gagged . Keep in earshot at least and look in on them frequently.
Make sure you know how to undo restraints before you put them on; keep any keys handy. Be prepared to cut difficult knots or bonds in an emergency.
Go slow with novices and first encounters, and be especially sensitive to the submissive's emotional reactions, providing frequent gentle body contact, spoken encouragement, and other reassurance. Watch out for developing panic. A good rule of thumb for submissives is, never let yourself be tied up on a first date. Get to know the Dominant's style and abilities without bondage first. It's a judgment call whether to break this rule; it depends on how much you can learn about the Dominant before you go home with them.
Bondage Positions and Their Dangers
A prone position (such as flat on a bed) has the least potential for problems, a vertical position (such as a standing spreadeagle) the greatest potential. If someone is tied standing up, it's fairly easy for their upper extremities to go numb or for them to faint or lose their balance and fall (putting even more stress on arms and wrists, or — worst of all — neck if that's tied). There's danger of a faint or fall even after release from a standing position, as you may be dizzy or shaky from impaired circulation. It's not necessary to avoid standing positions completely but you need to exercise extra caution.
Even with the submissive prone, an extremely tight spreadeagle is very strenuous and should not be continued for any great length of time. Closely monitor the submissive for cramping or other distress. Leaving just an inch or two (5cm) of play for each arm and leg may make the difference between a position that can be sustained for several hours and one that requires release in 15-30 minutes.
Hogties (with wrists and ankles secured together) are always strenuous, and they can be very dangerous if the neck is collared, chained, or tied and then attached to the bonds on the wrists and ankles, putting pressure on the throat that can interfere with breathing. To hogtie with head held off the floor or bed, use a tie attached to a gag strap, a forehead strap, a leather head harness, or the Dominant of a hood — anything that redirects the tension away from the neck. Monitor frequently to check for cramps or breathing problems because of the pressure of bodyweight on the chest. The wrists are also at risk in a hogtie: Use only thick rope or leather straps, preferably applied over gloves, never handcuffs or thin cord.
If you stretch someone horizontally as on a rack, do not pull so hard as to tear a ligament or tendon or to dislocate the joints in arms or legs. These are very serious medical problems that can only be handled properly by medical professionals. Because it's hard to see when you're going too far in this kind of scene, when in doubt, ease off. Extreme pain is a good clue that you're going too far. In a static stretching scene, where the tension does not change over time, the danger of a strain or dislocation comes from the submissive's own struggles. The key, therefore, is to give neither room nor reason for violent struggles. submissives should not have the slack to get leverage to pull one of their limbs hard enough to dislocate something and they should feel safe enough not to panic.
Medical Problems and Injuries
Numb or Cold Extremities
Remove restraints and gently lower the arms and legs so blood can flow in. Massage any area that has become numb; apply warmth if necessary to restore circulation (use a heating pad or warm towels). A short period of numbness in previously bound extremities is common and usually does not indicate any serious problem; if the numbness lasts more than an hour or so, however, at least some nerves have been damaged. This typically happens when handcuffs are too tight and the nerves leading to the thumb are affected. If the nerves are simply "pinched," the condition will clear up on its own in a few days. However, excessively severe or prolonged bondage can permanently damage nerves with no effective medical treatment available; while killed nerves may regenerate, they do so very, very slowly.
Bone Fractures and Dislocations
Fractures in the wrists or ankles can be caused (though rarely) by steel restraints used improperly or carelessly; a fractured collarbone might result (though this is still less likely) from use of a steel collar or head cage. This will generally be a closed fracture where the bone does not protrude through the skin. A joint might also be dislocated by struggles against tight restraints in an uncomfortable position. Symptoms are severe localized pain, tenderness to touch, deformity of the limb or joint, swelling, and discoloration of the surface skin (these latter two may take some time to develop). Do not attempt to fix a fracture or dislocation yourself: keep the victim still, immobilize the injured area, using bandages above and below the point of injury and splints along the limb then get the victim to a doctor or emergency room for medical attention. See a first aid manual for further details.
Bruises, Sprains, and Strains
A bruised bone is really an injury to the tissues surrounding it — the muscles, tendons, or ligaments and the blood vessels serving them. A sprain is an injury to a joint (especially in the fingers, wrists, ankles, and knees) caused by forcing it to bend too far or in an unnatural direction. A strain is a muscle injury caused by excess exertion or stretching. In a serious sprain or strain, the tissues are actually torn, not just stretched. Symptoms of all three are pain on motion, extreme tenderness to touch, and swelling and discoloration (the surface manifestation of a bruise) developing over time. Any of them might be caused by awkward or overly strenuous bondage positions, particularly if the submissive has struggled against the bonds and thereby increased the tension at some point.
Immobilize to avoid any further injury and use ICE: Ice or cold pack, Compression, and Elevation. Apply ice (not directly to the skin) or a cold pack for 20-30 minutes to retard or reduce swelling; gently compress the damaged area by wrapping it with elastic (Ace) bandages, making sure you do not bandage tightly, as this could interfere with blood circulation; as soon as possible — this can be before you apply ice or a bandage — elevate the limb to keep excess fluid from draining into it. Do not administer pain killers or alcohol. If the pain is extreme and you suspect a torn ligament or tendon, call an ambulance. If movement is not too painful after ICE and a couple of hours immobility, medical attention is probably not necessary unless severe symptons are still present next day.
Muscle Cramps
A cramp is a sudden, painful muscle contraction, most commonly in a leg. Medically, a cramp is less serious than a sprain or strain, but it can be equally painful and debilitating. The best treatment is, first, gentle massage and reverse stretching of the affected muscle (for instance, if the back of the leg cramps, bend the foot inward, toward the body, which will stretch out the cramped muscle), followed by application of moist heat. Moving around and using the affected limb will promote circulation and help relax the cramped muscle.
Fainting
A faint is a temporary loss of consciousness because of decreased blood circulation to the brain (which can have many causes). A faint in itself is not dangerous, as breathing normally continues despite the unconsciousness, but it is scary to witness or experience. Someone who feels faint should sit down immediately to avoid a fall (if bound standing up, release immediately and help down), and breathe deeply with their head between their knees. If someone actually faints, lay down and elevate legs and backside with pillows or padding. That will make it easier for blood to get to the brain and restore consciousness. You should not use smelling salts or ammonia to revive a fainting victim; only if their breathing sDominants or there are symptoms of heart failure should you take more aggressive measures. After coming out of a faint, the victim should rest quietly for at least an hour before moving. Do not administer any kind of drugs or alcohol, and give other water or liquids s! pari ngly only if wanted. If unconsciousness continues for longer than a few minutes, seek emergency help.
Rope Burns or Cuts, Shackle Chafing
Essentially an abrasion wound. If there is no bleeding no special measures are needed except to avoid irritating the damaged area further. If there is bleeding wait for it to sDominant, and then cleanse the area thoroughly with sterile gauze pads and an antiseptic such as Dettol, Betadine or hydrogen peroxide. Make sure no particles of rope have been left in the wound. Bandage only if necessary to keep the wound clean and avoid further irritation (free air flow promotes healing).
Breathing problems Remember that some bondage can cause these problems even without direct restriction of nose or mouth. In binding the body, always make sure that ropes or straps around the chest permit sufficient lung expansion for unimpeded breathing. Straitjackets can be particularly problematic in this respect. Don't just ask: look to see how far the chest moves, listen to the breathing to be sure and keep checking regularly throughout the scene. Many very rigorous stretched positions also can impede breathing: crucifixion victims, for instance, ultimately died of suffocation, because the strain of the body's unsupported weight eventually made it impossible for the chest to rise to take in air.
Stiff or Sore Muscles
These are almost inevitable in a long-term bondage scene, unless the bondage is very loose. They should not present a problem if no unreasonable demands are put on the affected muscles right after release; massage, warmth, and rest should get them back to normal use in an hour or two. Some soreness (not stiffness) may persist longer, but if it lasts longer than 48 hours, there is a chance that a strain or sprain occurred, and medical attention may be needed.
Heat, Cold, Dehydration
Problems in these areas are not common and not likely to be serious in an SM context, but simple precautions should be regularly taken. Problems from excess heat or cold may arise, respectively, in a long-term scene where the submissive is tightly wrapped or bound naked, so regulate the temperature of the room accordingly. Dehydration can occur in any long-term scene if the submissive is not allowed to replenish fluids lost through sweating and urinating, such as an outdoors summer stake-out in the summer, which could also present problems of sunburn if the submissive is naked. Anyone tied up for more than 4 hours should be given some fluid.
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