Hidden
Demons and the Need for Approval
As a Dominant, in a relationship, I have control, and I am given the power to decide, by my sub, what is best for both of us. My sub will often tell me that whatever I do, whether I get it right or wrong, I can never diminish her love for me. That love transcends anything that may transpire within the D/s side of our relationship and therefore cannot be damaged by the rights or wrongs that may occur during any scene or episode we get involved in.
However, even though I am assured by her that this is and will always be the case, there is a little demon inside me that rears its head from time to time. It is the one which nags away at me that says: "I need your approval for what I have done". This "seeking approval" is something we all have to some degree, and which by its very nature, tends to create a conflict with the outward traits that we portray as Dominants. The Dom, having a fear? No surely not! That goes against all we know about the inner workings of the Dominant; that they might also have demons that sometimes make them stop and think about what they are doing. But I readily admit that my desire to fulfil my subs D/s needs and the feelings of love we should all hold for them comes into conflict on a regular basis.
It is much the same demon that rears its ugly head (and talking to others I find that I am not the only one who has had to confront this) when administering pain to my sub. It's the same old story of "How can I hurt the one I love?". How many times have we all heard that one? I know that my sub has needs. I know I have the ability and control to fulfil those needs and yet, in so doing I am breaking traditions that have been laid down over centuries.
Firstly: Not hitting a woman. Going against all the male/female rules instilled in me from birth which I have to get past before I can even begin. Secondly: How can I hurt her, I love her. Yet, in opposition to these I have the understanding that she needs me to do this for her, and if I don't, I fail her. Catch 22!!!
Interestingly enough, in any situation, you can apply one side of the coin or the other, although rarely the both. Take an example: My sub asks me for some new clothes. I have a choice here. I can say yes, and get her approval, because I don't want to see her go without something she really wants. Or I can refuse, and deny her that, thereby exerting my control of her, perhaps losing her approval, but at the same time satisfying her need to be controlled by me.The difficulty that we as Dominants face here is to find the right balance; to know when to allow, and when to deny. This is not always an easy task. Sometimes other factors may be involved too: the sub might ask for her clothes, but the finances won't allow it. The decision is not then based upon the need to seek approval but by the reality that we cannot afford it. There is no approval seeking in that decision; simply a facing of the economic facts. It is only when there is no other outside influence that the option to gain approval or not, really comes into play.
In all this it is most important that Dominants have to understand that by asserting their Dominance, they are fulfilling a need in the sub. It's not just about their own (Dominant) needs, (often the approval factor can be the greatest need) but about creating a fulfilled relationship. If all the sub's needs (that includes the need to be controlled, the need to submit, to be corrected, to feel boundaries/limits enforced, and the need for the individual to be happy and content in all aspects of their lives) are not addressed then it is also likely that the relationship may come under pressure, because something (any or all of the above) is missing.
Whether we care to admit it or not we all seek approval in some way, from our partners, or peers, at some time. The big thing here is to understand that, and recognise it, and if needs be take control of it. This may be likened in some way to the heart ruling the head: allow the heart to have control and you will likely take the "approval by kindness" option. Allow the head (or Dominant) to take control of the situation and you are satisfying the subs need to be controlled but denying her the pleasures she craves, as well as creating a conflict in yourself between this and the "Will she approve of me" position. Take a good hard look at all the factors involved and sometimes (not necessarily always) you might choose the "tough love" option. Only with experience comes balance, and knowing when to apply each to maintain the relationship on a level which creates fulfilment of all the needs that both parties have.
It is no good satisfying one need while ignoring another. To be effective in our Dominance we have to find a way to satisfy all the needs of our submissives. By giving her everything she wants you may not ultimately gain approval from your sub anyway, because if she is honest you will not be satisfying her need to feel your control and influence.
Remember this: denying the fulfilment of one need is likely to satisfy another different need (i.e. the submission to the denial). Get the balance right and you will have a happy and contented submissive. Not a simple task, but who said it was easy.
Happy Balancing!
© D/s Seekers 2003