Orgasm
Control/Delayed Orgasm
Following is a composite of several postings I made in response to a question on a community bulletin board. I thought it might be interesting for others to read as well, and so, here it is.
Rover
I don't often write about my personal BDSM interests for several reasons. First, my BDSM activities have little to do with the D/s lifestyle. Being able to wield a flogger doesn't make anyone a Dominant. Nor does the other end make one a submissive. My personal interest is in D/s. I need D/s as part of my life and my relationship. BDSM is something I enjoy very much, but if I had to, I could do without it. Although I might be a bit cranky.
Second, giving unsupervised BDSM activity advice over a computer is dangerous. I would never give specific information regarding anything that could be potentially dangerous without being there personally to observe and teach. The only article I've ever written that touches on BDSM activities is one that gives general advice on how to safely introduce a toy to a relationship. Not how to specifically use any particular toy.Third, BDSM activities are incredibly unique to each of us. How I like to conduct a scene or use a toy, or how my submissive enjoys it, has absolutely no bearing on anyone else.
Having said all that, orgasm control/delayed orgasm and orgasm on command are safe activities. I've never heard of anyone being injured by them (note that orgasm denial is not included in this statement). And it's one of the few BDSM activities that is practiced in essentially the same manner, no matter who the participants are.
Too much of society is focused upon having orgasms. And it's precisely that focus that can cause anxiety that actually makes orgasm more difficult to achieve.
Orgasm on command does not happen over night. It's the end result of a process that first makes orgasm much easier to achieve. It takes practice, with the right Dominant, to make the kind of mental connection that is necessary. And there's one subtle, yet vitally important, aspect of orgasm control/delayed orgasm (delayed orgasm is substantially different than orgasm denial) that makes achieving orgasms easier and orgasm on command possible.
The focus is shifted from HAVING an orgasm, and the anxiety that ensues, to NOT having an orgasm. That's a substantial and essential part of orgasm control/delayed orgasm as well as an underlying foundation for orgasm on command. The "fear" of not being able to orgasm is replaced by "fear" that you will orgasm without permission. That suggestion is most powerful.
Suggestion is important in other ways as well. By merely suggesting to a submissive (not asking, not commanding, but "observing") "You're going to cum, aren't you" the stage can be set to immediately achieve the ability to orgasm. Different people respond to different suggestions, and you may need to work with your Dominant to find what helps trigger your mind/body response.
The first step towards orgasm on command begins with orgasm control and delayed orgasm. In other words, the submissive cedes ownership of her (I'll focus upon female submissives with male Dominants) orgasms to her Dominant. I like to reinforce this notion repetitively, under a variety of circumstances.
The submissive is forbidden to orgasm without the express consent and permission of her Dominant. Not when alone, not together, not in a scene, not during intercourse, not during masturbation, etc. I allow my submissive to ask for permission, but in training, that permission is delayed. Permission is always given in the form of a command or trigger word that we choose together. A word chosen that has no meaning outside of our relationship. A nonsensical word composed of bits of other words, or a foreign word, or a word pronounced backwards. No matter, just so that it is a word that will not ever be heard anywhere outside of the relationship. From this point on, this command or trigger word will be the manner in which permission to orgasm is always given.
As part of training I frequently utilize "brinking" to help make that transitional focus on not having an orgasm, rather than on having one. Brinking is repetitively bringing a submissive to the brink of orgasm, without permission to actually have one. Over and over again, I'll have her brink. Building that tension. Taking her further and further past the point when she thinks she has no choice but to orgasm. Stretching the limits of her mind's control over her body, and my control (ie: ownership) over her orgasm.
I should mention that this starts slowly at first. Brinking several times before orgasm. And each session becomes a little more intense. Going a little further than before. It's like filling a dam with the need to orgasm. And increasingly reinforcing my ownership of her orgasm. And when the dam is given permission to burst, the results can be impressive.
As I feel my ownership of her orgasm becoming more pronounced, I surprise her. After a session of brinking, I allow her to orgasm. And then I command her to orgasm again, and again, and again. In that state, it's amazing how multiple orgasms can result from mere suggestion. I once had a submissive that achieved 18 orgasms in 20 minutes using this method. (Well, we Dominants get interested in stuff like that, so yes, I counted )
After a period of time in which multiple orgasms are consistently a part of a brinking session, I will add another twist. Following a brinking session, and several orgasms, she is still in a highly aroused state of mind and body. I ask her to lay still, not to move. And I start by letting her know that we're going to try a little experiment, and she shouldn't feel badly if it doesn't work. There's no need for her to feel like a "failure" if it's not successful right out of the blocks.
And I simply begin by whispering in her ear, and asking her to "cum for me", and using the command or trigger word. I ask it repetitively, as a gift from her to me. If she's ready, the results will speak for themselves. And she'll experience an orgasm of the mind, as well as the body. It feels "different" in a physical sense. And her physical response to that suggestion may be a bit frightening to her, since she's not used to an orgasm without physical contact. This is a good time for plenty of reassurance, and expressive gratitude for the gift that she's given. And a thankfulness for the kind of deep relationship that makes it possible.
Over time, she will require less and less physical preparation in order to respond to the mere suggestion or command. Culminating in her ability to orgasm at the command alone.
Like most things in a relationship, the amount of training it takes to achieve orgasm on command differs widely from person to person. Some may achieve it in a week, some in a year. Nothing can be rushed.
But I don't suggest doing this merely to achieve the ability to orgasm on command. Enjoy the entire process. There are so many pleasures for both Dominant and submissive along the way, and each of them should be examined and enjoyed to their fullest extent. Each step can be a source of intense pleasure, and a deepening relationship. Let your mind wander as to how it can be personalized, and tailored to both public and private use.
Rover Copyright 2002