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Master/slave Relationship: The Pitfalls
Perhaps the single most prevalent fantasy among those who have never experienced it, but have the desire is the role of slave to a formidable Mistress or Master. It is a compelling fantasy, an erotically charged concept. The would-be slave sees him/herself at the mercy of the Mistress/Master. S/he desires to turn her/himself over fully -- every possession, every cent earned, and all control. To be a cherished and adored slave who is constantly used for sexual pleasure in reward for the giving of self is the object of these dreams.Reality often takes a big bite out of the fantasy. It can be a wonderful turn-on to imagine hand-washing Mistress’s sexy lingerie, but doing all her housework day to day can become boring very quickly if there is no instant gratification.
The sad reality for most of us is that we can’t "play" all day. We have to work. We have to deal with children and jobs and family. We have to obey laws and pay taxes. The fantasy M/s relationship is fiction. Creating a real world M/s relationship is hard work, which requires dedication and attention from both partners.
No matter how deeply we desire to create slave status at the end of the Twentieth Century, no matter how firmly we may commit to an M/s relationship, in our hearts we know that nothing binds the slave to the Mistress/Master but desire, love and commitment. Consent to the relationship can be revoked at any time.
May we remind the individuals involved that a slave contract or some such document is not legally binding. Within the BDSM community, however, they *may* be morally binding. We do not use contracts to create legal status, but to solemnize relationships. As in any relationship, either party may terminate at any time. We attempt to frame our M/s relationships within the fantasy world of our sexuality, all the while knowing we are governed in this only by our own principles and moral codes.
Contracts are a marvelous means to formalize and establish our commitments to each other. We are not setting ourselves up for legal hassles when we enter into them. We are trying to avoid such consequences and communicate our commitment to the relationship to the rest of the world. It is to combat the few nefarious Doms and subs who live and lurk in the S/M realm that, when educating members of the BDSM community about living the lifestyle within the confines of the real world, kinky lawyers advise some practical considerations.
M/s contracts require several elements, often expressed differently, but with basic concepts intact. When negotiating a contract the first question to be determined is the length of the contract – start date and end date.
Start slowly. When we fall in love (or lust) we tend to ignore danger signs and jump in with blinders on. Relationships evolve. What you negotiate into or out of your contract today may change tomorrow. Too often parties have skewed concepts of the 24/7 relationship and find they cannot live within the bounds of the contract they negotiated in the heat of passion. Amend!
If you start with a one, two or three month commitment, you give yourself time to learn and see what you left out and what you just can’t live with. Until you try, you cannot understand. Living the lifestyle is extremely difficult. The M/s relationship is not all sex, glamour and excitement. We are first and foremost human beings. We get cramps and colds. We have problems at work that we bring home. We have to shop for supplies, run errands, pay bills and deal with our families. We must adapt our M/s relationship to accommodate the intricacies, stresses and realities of everyday life. Even a contract for an indefinite term can be amended. We are in these relationships because we care about each other and we want it to last forever. Rigidity and indifference to one another’s needs leads to destruction of a relationship, and can lead to legal problems.
Contracts must have "consideration" to be valid. For M/s contracts, the exchange of power, the gift of submission to another is that consideration. In exchange for the love, protection and control of theMaster/Mistress , the sub relinquishes control. The elements of that control are the terms and limits that are negotiated into the contract.
Determine what the Master/Mistress requires of the sub/slave. What duties will the sub/slave be responsible for? For example, will all household chores be done by sub/slave? If so, state that. If not, list the duties for which each will be responsible. What behaviors are to be controlled by the Master/Mistress ? Will the sub/slave be allowed to go the bathroom without permission? May the sub/slave sit upon the furniture? How will behaviours differ in the home and in public? In the scene community and around the families? What powers or rights does the sub/slave have? May s/he have her/his own money? Have her/his own friends outside the relationship? Have time-outs when necessary? Have input in any decisions? Is the sub/slave allowed limits and what are they? Does the sub/slave have any free will? May the sub/slave initiate sexual or scene activity?
What duties does the Master/Mistress have? To provide a food, shelter and clothing? Love, protection and training? May the Master/Mistress give the sub/slave to others? Does the Master/Mistress have limits and what are they? How and why will the Master/Mistress mete out punishment? Must the Master/Mistress have any consideration of the needs of the sub/slave ?
Will there be rituals used? What are they? What forms of address shall be used? Will there be a minimum schedule of equally pleasurable scene activities to meet the needs of both partners? Will the use of the safeword terminate the relationship? Any or all of these issues and so many more may be included in a contract.
At lot of these may not have occurred to you when you fantasized about entering into a 24/7 M/s relationship. So consider this free advice and take that which applies to you or has meaning for you and learn from it.
1. Until you have formed a commitment which you intend to be forever (we are, after all, truly romantics at heart, aren’t we, and we believe in happy endings and love which withstands the bounds of time), protect yourself for the future. While it may be a thrilling fantasy to turn over every vestige of self to another, it can be dangerous. If you give up every cent of your income, all your savings, everything you own to your dominant partner, what happens to you if, after the first term of the contract, you decide this is not for you?
You may love and adore him/her and want to offer all control, but until you are really sure, maintain a bit for yourself. Keep a separate bank account. Contribute your share to household expenses, and even luxuries, but do so wisely. Save for the unforeseen, the relationship that goes sour. If, after a short term contract or two you decide this really is the man/woman of your dreams, you can always make a gift of your savings.
Maintain your own credit. Some of us have mothers who never worked outside the home and never established credit in their own names. It can be a horror when suddenly you are alone and have no basis for credit. If a relationship ends, you need to be able to pick up and live independently again.
2. Some of us are good with money and budgets and some are not. It is not always the dominant partner who should control the purse strings and balance the checkbook. Work within your individual strengths. Perhaps it is the slave who is the financial whiz. S/he does the work and advises the Master/Mistress in these matters. The wise and benevolent Master/Mistress is usually only too happy to have someone else crunch numbers and gladly bestows the power on the slave. Remember Master/Mistress's, if you order the sub/slave to maintain the household, keep the books and make mundane decisions, s/he does it for you at your command – not in spite of your control.
3. When you decide to make the full commitment to an indefinite, (forever, one hopes) M/s relationship, remember that unless you make a legal commitment, i.e. marriage, there are no protections for either of you. Take life insurance policies on each other. Make wills acknowledging each other as heirs. Most laws will not recognize non-traditional relationships (even those that lasted "forever") and if you have no will, your family will get your estate, not your beloved Master/Mistress's.
4. Many families are shocked to learn that their dear sons and daughter are involved in M/s relationships and will do anything to undermine them. If you become disabled or ill, your family has the primary right to seek control of your estate, business, medical care, etc. Once established, they can banish your SO. Give each other powers of attorney to oversee your affairs should you become unable to do so for yourselves.
5. We are all aware of the frailties of life and the dangers of love. Many people have sincere desires regarding medical care in the event of catastrophic illnesses and traumas. If you want your SO to have the ability to speak for you in these matters, you must make medical powers of attorney (named differently in the many states, but with the same purpose). Likewise, discuss your desires with your personal physicians. Make sure they know to whom you have delegated authority. Make visitation lists and have the doctors include these in your medical records. A family who hates your lifestyle (and your SO) can dictate who shall be included in the definition of *family* for visitation purposes if your wishes are not known.
If your contract does not contain an end date, it should have a clause, which allows either party to terminate for cause.
Revocation of the commitment to the M/s relationship by one of the partners is equivalent to use of a safeword. We must respect the right each of us has to terminate a relationship. Doing so does not necessarily impose legal duties and restrictions on us. Just as a caring dom/me should take steps to assure and comfort a sub who has safeworded (and vice versa), we should ethically take steps to assist each other in extricating from the M/s union.
Unscrupulous people exist. There are those who may hold the written document, photographs, videotapes, etc. over the head of another. There are amoral people on both sides of M/s equation. It is in those situations when we turn to the Law for protection. You are not going to face jail or huge fines just because you make a commitment to the BDSM lifestyle by stating so in writing.
Relationships do sour. Today, I may love having my SO whip me until I bleed and I would never characterize such activity as assault. Tomorrow, I may have decided to revoke my commitment. Now those whip strokes are not sweet, pleasurable stimulation but painful, threatening crimes against my person. It is then that the Law can be invoked to protect me and exact criminal and/or civil penalties against my former SO.
When relationships go bad, both parities do not always know right away. If, for some unrelated reason, the day after a particularly intense scene when I am covered in scars and whelps I decide to exact revenge against my SO, I may go to the police and cry assault. Will the existence of the M/s contract have an effect on this? In most states in the US, consent is not a defense to criminal activity (and this is certainly the case in Britain, as the Spanner case taught us). While a contract for a M/s relationship may not protect an otherwise innocent Master/Mistress from being *charged* with criminal activity, such a contract could go a long way in convincing a prosecutor (and if that fails, a jury), that a conviction is not warranted.
A carefully negotiated contract can, on the other hand, protect the abused slave. If the Master/Mistress ignores the limitations evinced in the contract, s/he cannot wave the contract and expect no repercussions. If for example, the contract specifically limits the Master/Mistress's right to disfigure the slave and s/he does so anyway, a jury *may* differentiate between the good pain which has been consented to and the disfigurement which has not, and impose sanctions accordingly.
By all means, seek what you desire. My wish for each of you is that you find the person (or persons) with whom you wish to spend the rest of your lives in a 24/7 relationship. But use your head as well as your heart in these matters. Do not be led by your genitals into a disaster from which you feel you cannot be extricated. A caring Master/Mistress will not dismiss you because you know your rights and understand the realties of the world. S/he will embrace your knowledge and accept your limits and concerns. One who refuses is not worthy of your submission and love.
This document was offered to Iron Rose by Rose from Black Rose. It was also presented as a live discussion group on 10/6/97 by Rose. We are incredibly grateful to the people in the scene who continue to donate their time, effort, and ideas. Our sincere thanks to Rose for making this document available. We're sure you'll find it valuable.