Sense of Self

A person's sense of self is defined by the qualities, abilities, skills, and learned behaviors one has that make them feel good about themselves. It is how they define themselves. "I am a good person, I am always helping others because I am a nurturer." Or "I am intelligent and knowledgeable, I am good at solving problems." There are many ways to define oneself and you do not need to know them all, the important thing to know is that this is where self-esteem originates. If these qualities are invalidated the person will feel threatened, defensive, and rejected.

Let me demonstrate by showing how I define myself and maintain my self-esteem.

My sense of self is defined by my ability to problem-solve, my intelligence, and my knowledge base. Included in my problem-solving skills is the ability to empathize with and understand other viewpoints. My intelligence is marked by my ability to learn and grasp any concept quickly. My knowledge base is always expanding because I am constantly in search of information that will keep my family and myself happy and healthy; this knowledge is vital to my self-esteem.

These abilities and skills are very important because they are a way to prove my competence and feel good about myself. For me to feel good about myself, I must learn and maintain these skills by myself. I pride myself in learning these things before the need for them arises. My autonomy (independence, ability to do it without help) is a symbol of my power, my efficiency, and my competence.

Therefore, to offer me unsolicited advice is to presume that I do not know what to do or that I cannot do it on my own. I think some of these qualities or ways of defining myself are common in Dominants. Of course, we all have our own combination of these, and these are simply mine, but I describe them here to give you an example of the things you need to be aware of about yourself if you are to direct a submissive to speak to you in a way that effectively reinforces your self-esteem.
Now for a submissive's point of view (This is general statement of sense of self for a submissive, some submissives may identify more with my sense of self than this one).

A sub's sense of self is defined by their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, nurturing, and helping the people they love. Rather than increasing their knowledge base, they are more concerned with living in harmony, making sure others are happy, and reinforcing their feelings that they are a special person based on their willingness to sacrifice their own comfort to make others more comfortable. They feel a sign of love is to offer help or assistance to another without being asked. Because proving one's competence is not as important to them, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness.

I, however, would feel offended if they offered advice I didn't ask for because I would feel that they didn't trust my ability to do it myself.

Subs often have no understanding of this sensitivity because if someone offers her help she feels loved and cherished. But offering to help me when I haven't asked for help can make me think that they see me as incompetent, weak, and not trustworthy.

A way of honouring me is to always assume I can solve the problem unless I ask for help. A way to honour a sub is to listen and understand what they are feeling about the problem. They often talk about problems to get close and have their feelings validated, not necessarily to solve the problem.
What they need from me is support and validation. Many of these qualities are common in the submissive.

As I stated with my definition of myself, each person has their own combination of these qualities, but these give you an example of what I must know about a submissive in order to meet their needs for self-esteem.

Of course, other traits can be taught that will enhance their self-esteem, but these define them as they are naturally.
©Reigen Du Coly

Seekers home page