The Three Phases of a Dominant

I think one of the most common questions a submissive has when considering a 24/7 relationship with a Dominant is, “What kind of behavior should I expect from him?” Conversely, many Dominants also wonder how to act in such a relationship. They may often be unsure as to what kind of behavior is expected of themselves. Are they are always “on stage” as Master? It’s a great question and one that deserves a detailed answer.

The nature of a relationship, even one of long standing, will undergo a significant transformation as it progresses to 24/7. That's true of a vanilla relationship, and even more so of a D/s relationship. I understand that in many ways this article is an oversimplification of the nature of a D/s relationship. Please accept the necessity of doing so in order to focus upon the topic of this article, the phases of a Dominant.

I find that the submissive has an easier time of falling into his/her own role in a 24/7 relationship than a Dominant does. (That is NOT to say that the submissive role is easier). In offering a gift of submission, the
submissive creates the boundaries within her life that he/she is willing and able to turn over to the Dominant. Amongst the submissive’s many roles in life (ie: career, family, friends, etc.), the submissive carves out what he/she will retain under self control, and separates it from that in which Master/Mistress shall reign.

In doing so, the submissive may continue to be his/her self in those areas that are retained under self determination, and relinquishes control to the Dominant in those areas of submission. I don’t wish to make it appear that
submission is easy, because I know that it’s not. But in terms of the roles in which a submissive has in life, they are more clearly defined. she is either on one side of the boundary, where she has retained self determination, or the other side of the boundary where she has relinquished control to Master and follows his direction.

The Dominant then, accepts that submission within the boundaries established by the submissive. The question now is, what to do with it? That may seem a simple answer. But the fact is, it’s not. Taking charge of another’s submission is complex. As much from the standpoint of the role the Dominant is playing at any particular moment in the submissive’s life, as to the responsibility for taking charge of another.

Within the boundaries of submission, the submissive is always submissive. The role is clearly defined if for no other reason than she/he is able to follow the guidance of Master/Mistress. But the Dominant, while always Dominant, has many different roles and hence many different responsibilities. They may range from being the firm disciplinarian to being soft and understanding. There are a rainbow of roles the Dominant must fulfill within the accepted
boundaries of submission, including Friend, Confidant, Teacher, Disciplinarian, Lover, Trainer, Observer, Guide, and so many other roles too numerous to mention.

The tendency for many Dominants is to become stuck in one gear. To find one role that either feels most comfortable, or that one feels is “expected”. That “expectation” is often a media stereotype of the role of Dominant, and tends to lean towards Master or Disciplinarian. In doing so, the strain upon the Dominant is tremendous. It's not natural to be so one dimensional. Similarly, there is often a strain within the relationship, as the submissive has unmet needs for other roles charged to the Dominant.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of too many generalizations, but the scenario I painted is all too common. And frequently results in an unfulfilling relationship. As is often the case, identifying the problem is much easier than solving it. But I’ve come up with a few tips that may be equally beneficial to both Dominant and submissive alike.

I see three major categories, or phases, of Dominant behavior. Identifying the three phases can be beneficial for a Dominant in determining what role is currently being filled, and to more easily slip into other roles as needed. As for submissives, knowing the phase a Dominant is currently in makes you more capable of knowing what behavior is expected of you, and to follow him seamlessly through those roles. Additionally, you may learn methods of
helping your Dominant go from phase to phase, or role to role, in order to meet your needs at any particular moment. No, that’s not topping from the bottom, or manipulation. Needs are needs, and learning methods of
communicating them to your Dominant is always healthy.

The three phases I see are as follows:

1. The Man/Woman: A Dominant just being themselves. Reading the paper, watching tv, playing board games, laughing, joking, living life. Dominants need to be comfortable just being themselves. Being yourself
fulfills a submissive’s needs for Friend, Spouse, Partner, Lover, Parent, and so many other qualities often associated with being “vanilla”. Being comfortable being yourself makes you, you. It is stressless. For both of you.

2. Sir/Ma’am: In this phase the Dominant is Teacher, Guide, Decision Maker, and many of the other roles that require a clearer distinction between the Dominant and submissive roles, and the influence of authority.

3. Master/Mistress: The firm phase. The Disciplinarian and the phase most commonly associated with scening and sexual pleasures. This is also the stereotypical phase that is often portrayed by the media and society, and the phase that many Dominants feel is expected of them 24/7. It's easy to fall into this phase, and feel trapped in it.

My personal experience is that I spend most of my time as just plain ole me. The Man. Perhaps as much as 65 % of my time. Next in terms of frequency is Sir. I may spend 25 % of my time in this phase. And interestingly enough, I spend the least amount of time as Master. And although that is the phase most commonly associated with being a Dominant, I estimate that I spend but 10 % of my time in this phase.

Certainly every Dominant is different. And the percentage of time spent in any particular phase will vary widely from Dominant to Dominant. The important thing to appreciate is that the phases exist. Because in knowing that, we can more effectively communicate our needs, as both Dominant and submissive.

A Dominant will slide from phase to phase, and have differing expectations of a submissive as he/she does so. Dominants communicate these changes in a variety of ways, both verbal and non-verbal. Submissives may notice a change in the voice, body language or stature, or a different facial expression, or a gesture, or touch that indicates the Dominant has entered a new phase. Spending time together, and getting to know one another sharpens that communication and recognition.

Over time, a submissive will also learn to communicate in both verbal and non-verbal ways, indicating a need or desire for a particular Dominant phase. This communication is vital, since submissives do not always feel comfortable directly expressing such needs.

I want to make a distinction here between being Dominant, and playing a "role" as in an actor. A Dominant is always a Dominant, regardless of the phase he/she is in. Dominance is not something that is switched on and off like a light. But in being Dominant throughout our lives, We are not always Sir or Master. Not to our friends and family. Not to our siblings. Not to our employers, employees or co-workers. Being Dominant while just being me is almost like a code. A code of conduct. A code of ethics. And I am Dominant throughout my life, in all that I do, with everyone I meet.

So please don't get the mistaken idea that during the "Man/Woman" phase that a Dominant ceases to be Dominant. Or that being Dominant is just a role that is played for scening. It's not a favorite shirt we put on just when we feel like it. Just being ourselves, in the "Man/Woman" phase simply indicates that we are well rounded, complete and whole Individuals, multi faceted, deep and complex. In a word, human.

It would also be inaccurate to think that when a Dominant is in the "Man/Woman" phase that the nature of a D/s relationship has changed. That somehow the roles of Dominant and submissive have become blurred. I have a great relationship with my father. Always have. Over the years, we've had lots of fun together. But no matter where we are, and what we were doing, I always knew that he was my father. I never forgot that respect, or admiration. And I also knew that no matter how much he was being my "friend" at any particular moment, he was always my father. He is always an authority figure. And that's the nature of a D/s relationship as well, when a Dominant is in the Man/Woman phase.

In summary, I suggest that both of Y/you, Dominant and submissive, be comfortable in who and what you are. Be yourself, no one is better suited to it than you are. Be sensitive to the changing needs of your One. Learn a variety of methods to communicate your needs. Study one another, learn and grow together.

Rover«»
Copyright 2001

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