Wants
And Needs
My feeling is that a submissive, before she/he ever gets near a relationship needs to set up a very clear cut set of expectations and standards. The sub needs to know, going in exactly what her/his wants and needs from the relationship are and that includes the issues of monogoamy, polyamorous and pansexuality.The submissive also needs to establish a standard as to what she/he is looking for in a Dominant. And this means a realistic set of standards opposed to the "Knight in shinning armor" image. And then they need to have the gumption to stick to those standard while slogging through the chaff even though the "need to experience" is burning them up.
A Dominant assumes responsibility for the submissive. Assumes, meaning he or she knows what their obligation is and has the maturity and responsibility to live up to those obligations. Part of that obligation is to know, really know, what the submissive's expectations and needs are as well as knowing what issues are problems or may be abhorent to the sub.
Perhaps the best test a Dominant can make when considering introducing a change into a relationship is to ask " Is this in the best interest of my submissive and is her/his welfare taken care of ? "
Granted that single question may seem at odds with the image of a Dominant. We all define our own image, ideas and relationships. It does seem to me, though, that if a Dominant is going to avail themselves of the perks and privilages of the position that he/she also needs to shoulder the duty and responsibility.Most assuredly our limits change as we grow and develop. A psychiatrist will tell us that we become a new person psychologically every seven years. Anyone who has explored the effects of pain on the human animal knows that tolerance to pain grows with each exposure. Limits are an item that the submissive should consider when looking at their expectations for the relationship. Hopefully, the submissive will be wise enough to know that those limits will change, grow, expand into new areas, or become unviable with exposure to interaction in a relationship.
The reference to setting a standard and sticking to it, pertained to looking at what character traits the submissive wants in a Dominant partner. Does the sub want a person of honour, someone with humour, a stern disciplinarian, any number of things that makes a person what they are. These are the traits that make up the image of the "ideal" we all carry around in our head.
It takes a fair amount of fortitude to stick to the standard of what we want when we have been sifting through innumerable people looking for the one that can quench the thirst to experience. And, it becomes easier as time passes to step away from that standard and accept something less. It has been my experience that when we accept something less we plant the seed for future unhappiness.
Each of us, albeit unconsciously, constantly compares our partner to that "ideal" image we carry around. Hopefully, the partner we choose will measure up the standard we carry. When we find that our partner is less than what we consider "ideal" the seed of unhappiness may begin to grow.I would hope that each of is wise enough to know that there is no such thing as perfection nor a perfect match, ever. The issue becomes one of how well we managed to match our reality against our dream. How well we can accept what we have against what we wanted. And how well we can reconcile the differences.
A goodly portion of just how much reconciling we have to do is directly linked to how well we did the job of matching a potential partner against our standards.
I wonder if it is not better that we spend more time on the front end putting up with frustration and disappointment in our search, than to weaken our standard and accept something less and have less happiness in our future?
There is an old adage that all good things come to those who wait. Perhaps a truer adage might be, all goods things come to those who wait with a realistic standard and expectation.
©Reigen Du Coly