BDSM Relationships

The three fundamental characteristics of a good BDSM play: SANE SAFE & CONSENSUAL. Here the more important attributes of a functional BDSM relationship will be explained.

FIRST OF ALL

First of all Prior to the physical, a BDSM relationship is essentially a mental relation. A sharp distinction is required between the two sides involved: one who feels the submissive and the other the Dominant role. The first and most fundamental element in a BDSM relationship is reciprocity of those roles. BDSM means complementary, not overpowering.
Decision and consciousness of respective roles are both necessary premises to have a satisfactory BDSM play. Decision, expressed as free will, to really live situations and emotions of the chosen role and to face eventual unforeseen situations with open mind. And Consciousness and Acceptance of ourselves and of the situation we choose to enter into. Elements that we can build comparing our own tastes, desires and limits with our partner and some typical BDSM scenes.

Without those premises, BDSM play would become a ridiculous foolery or else a very bad experience. On the other hand, when each of these premises are fully realized by both participants, their mutual desires can be met and a satisfactory play will be realized for both. Consequent and reassuming of complicity, decision and consciousness is a strong inner equilibrium. A deep feeling of self-consciousness and self-acceptance, built deepening our own Dominant or submissive attitudes. And it's not just to be aware of them, but to recognize them, accept them and learn to live them in balance with other expressions of our personality. Masters who mercilessly spank their crying slaves are not monsters, but may be affective and careful fathers, smart colleagues, and patient teachers. Nor is the sub licking the soles of his Mistress necessarily a looser or a submissive in his social and day-by-day life. More likely, he is a person trying to win and succeed exactly like others. And finding a balance between those contradictions is exactly the way to find equilibrium and an inner self-esteem that will accompany us for the rest of our life.

PROBLEMS

Those who are not able to find this equilibrium and serenely live their BDSM desires will probably encounter critical situations of non-acceptance of oneself. In such condition, people will usually choose to try and deny their BDSM desires or to live them full-time.

The first choice means a substantial twin life, while the latter brings a person to transform what is a pleasurable desire into the cage of his entire existence. On the BDSM scene people who live BDSM full-time are called 24/7, that means 24 hours a day for 7 days a week (more upon 24/7 relationshipsin the relation pages). I know some people so defined, but not one of them really lives ONLY as a Dom or as a sub every moment. I would consider living a true 24/7 existence to be just as limiting as absolutely refusing to admit and explore ones own BDSM desires. Finding a balance within ourselves, and accepting, showing and living our BDSM desires remains, in my opinion, the best way to lead a satisfactory life while still having such pleasurable and original experiences. Despite of some bigot disclaimers, a BDSM relation, if adult and conscious, should bring a mutual and self-consciousness, which is rarely found in most 'vanilla' relationships.

LIMITS

Limits are one of the most important and discussed aspects in the BDSM world. There are 'individual' limits, pertaining to personal degree of desired emotions to accept or give, and 'general' limits, concerning the red line over which we can't talk anymore about consensual play but seriuos risk for mental or physical health. Let's start from here:

THAT THIN RED LINE

We said and repeated it, but will never be too much: SANE SAFE & CONSENSUAL. That is BDSM. That triad trace that red line - not to cross. But then we need to see how everyone shall intend those words. It is plain clear it is NOT SANE playing Bdsm with mentally disturbed persons, and that is NOT SAFE giving or receiving seriuos wounds and that is NOT CONSENSUAL forcing someone into play unwillingly. But then, is it sane to lick the sole of a boot? Is it safe to leave alone a sub tied up for an hour or so? Is it valid the consent from a person deeply in love with us who's evidently looking to feel us closer, or who fears to miss us? Is it honest to involve third parts into a couple game? Is it consensual the public play before an incidental audience? Upon those and similar matters every BDSMer have to put a serious thought by himself and with people he wants to play with.
They are also tipical topics discussed in Bdsm communities all around the world, and sure it helps all of us clarifying what we want and where exactly our red line stands. Given that, i do believe there are no definitive answers. Everyone shall perceive situations in a different way, and every situation or person are somehow different from another one. So there were periods when i considered some games to be over the red line, and after some years i found myself playing them and feeling again sane and safe. And like me lots of other BDSMers can tell you the same. Moreover, for some people their fantasy world include INSANE. UNSAFE and NON-CONSENSUAL Bdsm fantasies. I knew dozens of equilibrated, pleasant, sentimentally and socially functional persons who get excited at the toughts of being raped, castrated, forced to perform revolting or very dangerous acts or other way tortured in a surely unsafe way. And basically i knew the same number of other persons who get excited dreaming about inflicting all those things. Is it sickness? Is it a bad symptom? I can't say. But since today noone i knew realized those fantasies as far as i know. They just play their SSC kinky games and talk about those fantasies as "extreme dreaming", and that's all. If interested, you can found here more specific discussion on sexual pathology.

INDIVIDUAL LIMITS

BDSM play give undubitably very intense emotions, that could came from a whiplash streak, being keenling on the ground or amusing the show of our partner tied up. And of course everyone will feel different limits upon those and other situations. Doms have their limits on tastes, capabilties and experience to manage the scene and giving the sub the feel to be "in control". But when chosing practices and degrees it is clear that limits are firstly concerning subs. Every sub have, inside taht red line we said, his own personal limits. For every possible game, we can talk about two different factors: arousal and will to play. So there will be games a sub is aroused by and want to live, others he's aroused but only as fantasies (talk play), others he can accept to live but is not aroused by (usually games for the Dom's pleasure or punitive games) and at last there will be for sure games the sub is not aroused and don't want to play. Those of "when NO means NO".
Then, into every single game, a sub have again his own degree limits. There is who can't bear a pair of clothespines on his nipples for more then some minutes and those who bear metal clamps, weights and pulling for hours. There's who is deadly aroused in licking clean the soles of Dom's shoes and those who can barely kiss a feet, who bear hours of whipping and those who's broken after five minutes of spanking. No one among them is 'right' or 'wrong', as no one is more or less definitely satisfacting. The pleasure, Dom's and sub's one, stands mostly in getting closer the sub limit and forcing him to cross it. It is a magical moment, most delicate, that praise all player with the most intense emotions. Forcing too fast or failing to feel where the limit is can be called a Dom's failure. When a sub stiffens instead of relaxing and accept the lead when pushed closer to his limits, we can talk of a sub's failure. It is plain clear that limits aren't forced in two minutes, and expecially into public or occasional games it is not a good idea to push a sub to his limits.

It's then quite clear how much important is Dom's deep sensitiveness and sub's full faith to his Dom. Premises in lack of whom Bdsm play can also involve serious risks.

SEX & BDSM

A very common topic in BDSM communities discussion is the presence or absence of sexual intercourse into BDSM play or relationships. BDSM moves from sexual arousal, so there certainly is a strict linkage between sexuality and BDSM. On the other hand, the D/s essence is defined in a distance between Dom and sub that should be strongly outlined denying any sexual contact or gratification. This happens to be common in FemDom/malesub relationships. Denying of sexual acts in MaleDom/femsub relations is quite rare. That can be explained by the more intense need of physical release of sexual arousal of the male body. Into BDSM play there are anyway lots of games stimulating arousal body areas and genitals (like dildo penetration, CBT of Facesitting, just to say some). There is indeed a whole world of games grouped under the name of tease and denial who precisely focus in driving crazy for eager the sub (giving or dening the climax depending from personal situations). There are then also the Chasty Games, focused in forced Chastity of the sub, usually brought to wear a chastity belt or device on temporary or permanent basis. Those games can be considered "sexual" for some and only used as submissive tools from others. I've found three different "parties" about that matter: those who consider Bdsm play as a preliminary game introducing sexual intercourse, those who would never have sex with own Dom or sub and those who may have it but distinguish sexual intercourse from bdsm play. Let's see the reason of those choices:

BDSM PLUS SEX

A deep sexual erotic involvement is always present into Bdsm play. Lots of games involve genitals or arousal body areas, outfit is often revealing and sexually exciting and also the touchless games (like verbal humiliations) are perceived as sexually stimulating. So during a Bdsm play is natural that players are sexaully aroused. That arousal can be preliminar to sexual intercourse or being appreciated as an emotion by itself. Moreover, also performing sexual intercourse Dom/sub roles can be held. A Dom shall for example order his slave to sexually "serve" but deny or limit the sub's pleasure, or impose him to perform while bearing painful stimulations. In such case the sub is used as a 'sex toy'. We'll see more specifically the sexual use (and abuse) of the subs in the Games page.

BDSM WITHOUT SEX

For many BDSMers the pleasure in bdsm play is something different from plain sexual gratification. It is often described as a mental orgasm, a very intense emotion, as strong as sexual orgasm. For those BDSMers the Domination/submission play is often fundamental. They do not find sex necessary to live a fully satisfactory BDSM session. Of course sexual arousal is often present, but they just aren't interested in consuming it with their playpartner. Those who appreciate the D/s play know as well how much exciting is the obvious sexual eager of the sub for the Dom. And many subs enjoy it to the point they find that denial more desirable then the intercourse itself. There are then many Doms, expecially Dommes, who enjoy very much in topping but consider subs as servants, pets or objects. Some can also see them as "friends" or something similar out of the playtime, but it is easy to understand they are not interested in having sex with them. In such relations the desire of the sub can be ignored, derided or also pushed to extremes for Dom's amusing. In that kind of play or relation are often used restraint devices like chastity belts or cock cages. Forced chastity and/or teasing and denial are the more common forms of Bdsm play without sex. There is indeed also a less D/s and more S/m play based on the same sexual denying. Here the sub is used as torture toy, to whip and or torture in different ways without any sexual gratification. Those who enjoy these torture games are basically defined the Sadist and the masochist type. Excluding sexual intercourse from the play makes easy for couples to play with others. Usually who appreciate this point of view consider practices involving genitals or sexual parts 'useful' to the game but do not intend them as 'sexual acts'. Absence of sexual intercourses made also easier occasional play.

SOME MORE THOUGHTS

It is surely very exciting to feel the eager of the sub and tease it. Moreover, i found out that when Doms (male or female ones) sexually 'concede' themselves to their subs, they somehow break the play atmosphere. In my experience, if it all comes out to a sexual intercourse, it usually coincide with the end of the game. Coming from a bdsm play into making love can be a delicious way to quit the game between lovers, expecialy for fixed couples who aren't into 24/7 play. Usually after the climax most people feel weak and expecially subs are very vulnerable, so it is often the moment for Doms to be very sweet and caring regardless if the play is over or not. I know there are some who guessed for that weakness it can be the more appropriate moment to hit harder (mentally or physically) the sub. I will not argue about that. For sure it is a very vulnerable moment. All to keep in mind is that people do Bdsm to express themselves, not to destroy themselves. If the goal is to deepen emotions also over some limits, it can work in the picture. If the goal is to destroy or being destroyed, i guess something is wrong.
Keeping the sub in eager shows some interesting aspects. The more a male sub is eager the more he's submissive and able to accept things he would rather be usually reluctant. It does not work exactly the same way for female subs, but it is anyway a very intense game to tease and deny them the climax.

IMHO

I personally appreciate BDSM as a 'sexual variation' or as a game by itself. I find it really intriguing to have sex with BDSM elements, but i definitely LOVE the pure state of Domination submission where sexual gratification is immensely desired (and adequately teased) but totally denied to the sub. Let me explain: I do love sex but exactly for this reason I find incredibly exciting to deny it in a BDSM play. When i start over a bdsm play I never expect any sexual release or intercourse. I do found out that it can be fantastic for me to end the play making love if there is a love relationship with my partner. But on occasional or friendly play i find more pleasurable a strict eager and denial playtime. That is, i do love sex, but when i want to have sex I look for that, not for a bdsm play.
So, given it is always wonderful to have sex out of the game, I vote for the Dom role as desired but unreachable. Of course I think that the Dominant has the full right to gain sexual pleasure also during a BDSM play. For this goal, should be useful the 'oral servitude' from the sub for Dom's sexual satisfaction, or keeping the sub as a spectator while Dom satisfy himself alone or having sex with someone else. A couple of Doms shall for example have sex together while topping one or more subs, preserving the distance and gaining their full satisfaction while the subs remain in their... natural state of eager.

Author: Skorpio © of BDSM Realm. Used with permission

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