Down Time

Does a Dominant ever not feel like being Dominant? No, being Dominant is part of ones personality, like being outgoing, a nature lover, or choice of employment/career

Does a Dominant ever want to temporarily alter the balance of power in their relationship? Yes, certainly.

There are times when all of us want or need a break from our responsibilities. Having a power exchange in a relationship is definitely a responsibility, one that must be tended to daily, but there are certainly times when either Dominant or sub may not feel comfortable with the amount of power (responsibility) they are carrying.

On any given day, a person must wear many hats and deal with many emotions, stresses (both internal and external), and challenges. It is perfectly natural that this person may find themself unable to meet the responsibilites of their power exchange for a specific and limited period of time (usually no more than a few hours unless one is dealing with a serious illness).

Being excused from performing one or all of your given tasks (or responsibilities) for a specified amount of time does not make you less submissive or less Dominant, it simply means that you honour your humanity. No one can be "on" or "up" all of the time. Everyone calls in to work at some point, everyone has days when they are just too tired to cook, everyone has moments when they simply do not want the responsibility of deciding what to have for dinner.

We are all human beings first, with limits on our stores of energy. Being in a D/s relationship does not change these human limits, and honoring these limits does not make us less Dominant or subumissive.

In my opinion, this dispute is not about whether needing down time means you are not really Dominant or submissive but rather needing down time is an indicator of how much power you need to have or give up in a relationship.

There are many Dominant people in the world but there are few Dominant people who NEED control in a relationship.
Just as there are many passive people around, but few submissives (those who NEED to give up power in a relationship).

What distinguishes these two types of Dominant people is the fact that one group (the Mistress/ Domme/Master /Dom) needs and wants the responsibility of taking control of another person, whereas the other group (Dominant people) would like to control things in the relationship but they don't NEED to control another person. Many people want control, but few are willing to take that much responsibility for another person.

Being the one in control carries with it the responsibility for knowing the best decision to make in all areas under the Dominant's control (if one does not know the best decision to make, they research all avenues until they are as informed as possible) and then act on these decisions. These areas can include safety, sexuality, finances, emotional traumas, hotspots, and any other areas they have control over.

People who are Dominant in temperament may want their partner to satisfy their sexuals desires first, be allowed to make decisions without argument, and have dinner served to them, but the vast majority are not willing to take the responsiblity that comes with accepting this submission to their desires. These people are more concerned with whether they can be "up" adequately (take responsibility) than if they are allowed to have down time.

Unless one has accepted more power than they can responsibly handle, a Dominant (or sub) will have very little trouble being "up" or taking responsibility the vast majority of the time. There will only be certain times, under certain circumstances in which this will become difficult to do. How often this will occur for any given person is determined by how much responsibility they have in the first place and how comfortable they are with this power (or lack of).

There is a wide range of areas to control as well as a range for the amount of control to have. Some Dominants want only a small range of control (i.e., sexuality) and only want control of this area for a temporary period of time. Others want much more control (i.e., decision making, sexual control, financial responsibility, and service in all areas of life) and they want this control all of the time. One who needs less control in fewer areas naturally has more down time than one who needs more.

It is easy to see how one who needs much more control may want occassional down time if life decides to hand them additional challenges in their life at some point. By down time, I do not mean taking days or weeks off from being responsible for their submissive (or their tasks), I mean taking a few hours after a particularly difficult day to think of no one but themself.

This is healthy, centering time and it can usually be taken within the parameters of the relationship, but at times life hands us more than we can process in the midst of things and we need a bit of time alone to work through it.

Asking your submissive to handle things for a few hours while you go for a walk, close your bedroom door, or veg in front of the TV does not make you less Dominant than you were; and asking your Dominant if you can leave the dishes, take a long bath with the door locked, or take a nap does not make you less submissive. It simply means that life or nature has temporarily handed you more lemons than you can make into lemonade.

I do not commit myself to accepting more responsibility (power) than I can comfortably handle. If I find myself needing down time often, this is probably a sign that I have overextended myself.

Remember, having power means having responsibility. There is not a person living (or dead for that matter) who did not need, at some moment in their life, to take a short break from their responsibilties. This does not take away from their strengths or make them less than they were, it simply makes them better humans.

©Reigen Du Coly

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