Experience
I speak from my own point of view, obviously, but whether someone is experienced in bdsm or not is something I have thought about for a while now.
Experience, to me, means knowing what is likely to happen, or what a reaction may be, and knowing how to handle it when it occurs. Of course, none of us can know what everyone will do/feel/say about everything, but having gone through many stages/changes in a bdsm relationship, one who is experienced will have some idea about the progression of the relationship and will be prepared to handle the issues that are, in my opinion, inevitable.In my opinion, experience means, You have been there; you have done it more than twice for longer than 30 minutes." It means you know what is likely to happen before, during, and after. It means that you have some idea of how a sub is likely to feel emotionally/physically the next morning.
It means that you understand the progression and know what to look for at each stage. It means that you know when fear, insecurity, and guilt are likely to show up and you know how to handle it when it does.Experience means that you understand that there are cycles that all relationships go through and you know (not just read or heard) that D/s is no different.
You know that, more than likely, doubt about the lifestyle will come up at some point, and having been through it, you know what your arguments (pro and con) will be for continuing to push the envelope.
You can identify the signs that indicate that your power exchange needs re-negotiation.
You know when to cut yourself some slack from the self- imposed pressure and when to back off and let a sub digest new experiences/feelings.
You are aware of how much you actually need bdsm in your life, what you can live without, and in what areas you can compromise, because you have actually done these things and know, first hand, what it feels like when you live with and without them.
You notice and understand the signs that tell you whether a sub needs it too or is just doing it to satisfy/please you.
I have no interest in invalidating anyone's experiences, but these things cannot be learned in an online relationship, nor can they be learned in 6 months in real life. If most relationships have a one - two year honeymoon stage, during which time perceptions are colored by wishes and opinions are just forming, how can we expect anything less in a bdsm relationship?
In my opinion, experience is determined by time (however long that is for each individual, actually living it rather than thinking or talking about it), investment (how much of oneself is invested in the time spent) and focus (you know where you want to go, have a plan to get there, and know how close you are to reaching it).
~Inexperience is not a bad thing. You don't expect yourself to spring forth from the womb knowing how to drive a car, read a book, or make love, why would you expect yourself to spring forth knowing how to have a successful bdsm relationship before you have had any experience?
Enjoy the journey, because often, the goal of perfection will never be realised.
©Reigen Du Coly