In a D/s relationship the submissive should put your desires before their own. They will do this even if some of their needs are not being met, but they will be unable to sustain this. If most of their needs are not met, eventually they will become overly emotional, become exhausted, or become very demanding.
As long as you are meeting most of the subs needs all of the time, things will run smoothly. They will put your desires before their own and derive pleasure in doing so. This satisfies their need for both control and submission, to some degree (aren't we lucky, some of their needs are being met by meeting ours). It is my responsibility to know what I need and what I want. I must also know what I will not tolerate as well as what I cannot live without. This is work that, I have done before I seek out a submissive.
The following is a list of my needs; that is, they are a list of things that in their absence, I would be so unhappy that I would be willing to end my relationship.
* I need to be in control.
* I need to be respected.
* I need to be admired.
* I need to be trusted.
* I need to teach and lead the submissive.
* I need to be accepted the way I am now.
* I need to be appreciated.
* I need to be vitally important in the submissive's life.
* I need the submissive to be strong and self-confident.
* I need space and freedom.
* I need to be sexually satisfied.
* I need to know the submissive wants to do things for me (pamper me).
If these needs are not met, the value of my relationship will fall until it becomes worthless to me. This is not to say that the sub must satisfy each of these needs perfectly, all of the time. It is required that the sub satisfies most of them most of the time and work toward the others.
Knowing how to motivate people is essential for a Dominant who wants their way in most everything, but it is also a useful skill for your submissive to have. This is not so they will have the information to try to manipulate you; it is for your benefit actually. If they understand what motivates you, they will be more easily able to understand why you make the behavior and speech requests that you do.
It is much easier for them to change a habit if they understand why you need them to do so and how it makes you feel to be treated a certain way. If they are naturally submissive they will want very much to make you feel good about yourself and make their best effort to change the habit that you are uncomfortable with. In this way, their need to make the "sub" happy is satisfied.
I offer my motivating factors as an example of what motivates a Domme.
I am motivated and empowered when I feel needed. When I feel I am admired and trusted because of my abilities, I am motivated to meet a sub's needs. If I feel that I am not trusted or able to meet a sub's needs, I will withdraw because I feel rejected.
This is the difference between a sub needing me and being needy.
A sub needs me because they know that I am capable of solving any problem we may have and they know that I will do my best to accomplish this. They trust me to take care of them, therefore they have no need to whine or nag at me.
When they are needy, they desperately cling to me and insisting that I meet their needs, their way, right now.
This behavior makes me feel that they do not accept me the way I am and is rejecting what I have to offer them. Their needing me will motivate me to do everything I can to meet their needs; their neediness will cause me to withdraw in order to protect my self-esteem. To motivate me, do or say things that reinforce my feeling that a sub needs me, admire me, and trust me.
If you want to motivate someone, it is equally important that you know what NOT to say. Saying things that invalidate your partner's sense of self and trample on their self-esteem will kill their natural desire to work at making and keeping you happy.
The following is a list of things that will motivate and things that will block motivation.
THINGS THEY (SUBS) CAN SAY TO MOTIVATE ME:
* I need you
. * Will you explain this to me?
* Can you show me a more positive way to think about this, it is bothering me?
* I couldn't be happy without you.
* Thank you for taking responsibility for making the hard decisions, I feel safer
* knowing that you will use all of your skills to make the best decision possible.
* You are so intelligent; I love having conversations with you.
* Thank you for listening to me.
THINGS NOT TO SAY to ME:
* You didn't do it right.
* You are wrong.
* Why do you spend so much time away from me?
* Why can't you listen to me now?
* Your friends are more important to you than I am.
THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO MOTIVATE A SUB:
o You are precious to me.
o You make me so happy.
o Thank you for working so hard to anticipate my needs.
THINGS NOT TO SAY to A SUB:
o I've told you three times already.
o I love you OK, do I have to write poetry?
o Some submissive you are.
o Why won't you leave me alone?
o I will be back when I get back.
Loving D/s Communication
I offers some ways for subs to ask for what they need in a more respectful, straightforward manner.
How my submissive speaks to me is perhaps the single most important outward display of not only the control I have in the relationship but also how important my feelings are to the sub.
If my submissive speaks to me in a condescending manner, using phrases like, "Can't you see that I am being submissive?" they send a clear message that they have little concern for my ego, my intelligence, or my feelings.
If they say, "Yes Ma'am, but" they are showing me and anyone within hearing distance that they have very little trust that I know what I am doing and/or that they feel arguing with me is a valid option for them.
If they whine and attempt to manipulate me to do what they want rather than be straightforward and ask for what they need, they demonstrate their lack of training and lack of communication skills.
Teaching a submissive to speak to me in a respectful manner is one of the cornerstones of having, keeping, and demonstrating my control over a sub.
I think this is what they want; to feel controlled, and presumably this is what the sub had in mind when they decided to enter into a D/s relationship.
©Reigen Du Coly