Master
vs Abuser
I suppose to some there is no difference between the two labels, after all doesn't a Master use and effectively abuse their slave in much the same way an abusive partner does?????
Well Yes they do in some ways, yet not in others, however the difference lies in one single word.....
Consensual.Having been subject to forced slavery to the extent that it nearly took my life I know the difference. However to some the line may not be that clearly defined and that can cause problems with often devastating consequences.
I have always been submissive by nature, always wanting to please others, always making sure everyone else was contented before, if at all, ensuring I was. I was always drawn to Dominant personalities, respected authority even viewed it a little different to others. It is that nature that led me and many others to find them selves in abusive relationships and often not realising it untill it’s too late to get out.
It isn’t always easy to spot the difference between a Master and an abuser and often by the time you do you have been sucked into a relationship and brain washed enough to find yourself seemingly unable to get out.The following pointers I have written to hopefully try and help new and often, though not always, naive submissives. They are not a statements of fact merely my views from experience.
Being apprehensive of your Master is normal and in fact healthy in a M/s relationship however being afraid of him fear ISN'T. Being afraid of the Man you are entrusting your well being to is not a good sign. Living in fear is unhealthy for you and for the relationship. As I said being wary or, cautious, or a little nervous is acceptable but fear will ultimately destroy yo..
Can you approach your Master with worries possibly even complaints?? i mean could you go to your Master and, obviously with respect and if deemed at the appropriate time, say "Master i am not happy with this and this and that worries me...."? If you can and He will listen and consider your points then you have a healthy relationship, if however you can’t or he won’t allow it then something is wrong.
Although a slave/sub doesn't dictate the relationship, but they do have and should use their voice and that voice should be heard, always.You have failed a task for your Master; how do you feel? If the answer is ashamed, dissappointed in yourself, hurt maybe, you feel bad because you have let him down, worried about telling Him because you know he will be dissappointed in you and that in its self will hurt more than any crop or cane he may impose, yes? Good ! That is how i’d feel and from others i have spoken to that seems to be the general overall viewpoint.
Are You scared of telling him, really scared?, Do you fear not him but the punishment he will impose?, Will the punishment hurt more than the emotions within? Bad ! Punishment shouldn’t predominantly be physical pain, it is the mindset with it that makes it punishment. If your punishment is a physical beating then something very definitely isn’t right.I am aware that not all couples have safewords. i for one don’t have one but i have implicit trust in Master.
However if you do have one, is it honoured immediately? Does your stop word mean the scene or the activity will STOP dead there and then? If so then you have no worries, if not, if he carries on just that little bit further, time to ask how much further will he carry on next time. Will he stop the time after that? What’s the point of a safe/stop word if it isn’t honoured.
For those that don't have a safeword, does your Master notice you in distress, if so then what does he do? He should by rights either stop or alter what he is doing untill the moment of distress has passed and before resuming ensure that you are safe mentally and physically. If he does not notice you in distress then you should consider choosing a safeword for the future and obviously then following the guidelines above.Degraedation is enjoyed by many M/s couples and i am not about to say it is wrong, however, if it is constant then it is damaging.
As enjoyable as it may be at times, constant put downs and/or, insults will eventually make the one on the receiving end really start to believe it and that again is mentally damaging. Reassurance, affection and comforting words need to be a part of the relationship also.Hurt not Harm, a selfexplainatory statement i think but one that is often over looked. Yes it is ok for your Master to hurt you (obviously within reason/limits) but it isn’t acceptable for Him to harm you.
Accidents, do happen and should your Master harm you he should show remorse not just brush it off. If you find yourself regularly harmed then it’s time to review the relationship as. Something isn’t as right as it should be. Harm would could be longterm damage, broken bones, wounds (unless knife play is agreed) and not forgetting mental harm, that’s just as, if not more, important than physical harm.
After Care, do you get it? Do you get a reassuring hug and comforting words after a scene?, Assurance that you have pleased your Master when you have? After care isn't, as far as i am concerned, very much to do with the physical side, yes you may need some soothing cream rubbed on your butt after say a session with the cane, but it is more again to do with the mental side.
In scene you may well have been degraded, humiliated, treated as a 'nothing', but afterwards you need and should receive appropriate care. First off you should be gently lifted back out of sub space if your mind has slipped into it and secondly you need to be put back together mentally. You need to be returned from the object, slut or whatever you have just been, back to being either a person or a treasured possession, depending up on the relationship. You need to feel safe and cared for. It is not just the Dom/me that should be left happy and contented after a scene. If you are left feeling empty after a scene then something is wrong,. Lack of correct after care is damaging and will eventually start to cause you problems.
The above are just a few idea's for you to consider, however if something doesn't feel right then chances are it isn’t and should be at least considered and discussed with someone other than your Master.Just because your nature is submissive that by no means gives anyone the right to abuse you.
Don't ever be fooled into thinking that you shouldn't complain about anything, nor that you have no rights. Admittedly within a safe, sane and consensual M/s relationship you may not have any rights, but the moment the relationship ceases to be safe, sane or consensual you have just as many rights as anyone else does and you should use them.
Saying "No" to your Master may not seem possible and i know that saying "No" to my Master would cost me, however that doesn't mean though that i wouldn't say no or possibly worse if he instructed me to do something that would endanger me mentally or physically (which for the record i know for certain he wouldn't).Becoming aware that you are in an abusive relationship isn't easy. By the time i realised it, i had no strength left mentally or physically to get out and i had no choice, so i thought, but to endure it for longer. In all that relationship destroyed me and only now, several years later, am i starting to be rebuilt.
Listen to friends, if they have reasons for concern then pay attention, especially to those friends that are within the M/s lifestyle.Once (if) you do realise that you are being abused just how do you get out?Hopefully you will not have been drawn in too far or damaged enough to believe you have no choice and. You must ask for and hopefully be honoured your release.
But i know it isn't always that simple....Should you ask for release and it is refused pending time to think followed by discussion. Make it clear that you have indeed thought long and hard about it and have nothing you wish to discuss.
The refusal can often mean "Give me time to think of a way to talk you round to staying". If your release is still refused release yourself ! Get out and stay out. Cease all contact and seek further help if you are pestered by him. Sounds easy but it isn't so easy especially if you have been sucked in or have had your selfesteem destroyed.
I cannot offer a quick fix it plan, all i can do is say that there is no shame in asking for help and that no matter what, it isn’t your fault! Never be made to believe that.
Getting out alone is not advisable, especially if you don't feel you have the strength. It is important that you seek help from friends, family, professionals, anyone that will listen and help.The following links may be of assistance.....
http://www.submission.org.uk
You will find links on that site all dealing with the same topic. If i can help just one person, save them going through what i did or worse then i will be happy.
Donna