Net vs Real Life Relationships

The Internet has become a common meeting ground, and thus a way for people to "try out" BDSM. This is a great opportunity for many people! Why stick to just those you live near in meeting others, especially when it comes to BDSM, where people who are "out" about it are relatively rare unless you are in a very big city? Using the Internet can expand your horizons, your friendships, your life, and your loves.

However, there are some mistakes that even the most educated, thoughtful, cautious, and careful people frequently make. Here are four common mistakes that you can avoid or at least be aware of in advance.

The first mistake is not realizing how painful it can be to discover the love of your life only to be separated by thousands of miles, with neither of you willing to give up the job/school/family/friends near you that you also love. Many long distance relationships end in a move. Others end with the poignant resolution of the people realizing this will never work out for them because the difficulties of making it work out are just too great to overcome.

Second: It's a sad fact, but listen up: People on the Internet lie. A lot. More than you think even if you consider yourself a savvy person who has learned from having been lied to before. To be fair, sometimes it starts as an innocent statement that isn't accurate, perhaps to protect one's privacy or just in fun. But more often than in real life encounters, it is outright intention to use the anonymity and long-distance aspects of the net to deceive.

Educated people who are used to being excellent judges of character in their everyday lives often do not always realize how different the net is. The usual clues we are not even aware of using when judging people face-to-face are simply not there on the net. It is also easy on the net for otherwise honorable people to fall into patterns of deception -- about jobs, marital or relationship status, time and financial availability, and easiest of all: about everyday personalities. Words can be both limiting in what they can convey and yet compelling in their ability to suggest images that are sometimes inaccurate. What might start with the simple fun of taking on an experimental net "persona" that is even very close to one's actual real self can get out of hand on the net.

And worse: some people think of the net as a game and do not relate to someone else's taking it very seriously at the other end. But if you are the believing person at the other end of the line, the discovery that you were someone else's game or deception can be a scarring discovery.

One of the most common examples of this sort of deception is cheating on existing relationships. Many people are drawn to using the Internet for sexual flirtation outside of committed real-life relationships, without stopping to think about how involved the net relationship might become. The argument seems to be: "Since I am not actually planning on meeting this person or culminating this sexual act in person, I'm not cheating even if I don't tell my spouse or primary lover." Alternatively, they may or may not tell the person they are flirting with on the net that they have such prior commitments. There are people who carry on dozens of relationships at once, with none of the partners knowing the other ones exist.

Let me make one thing simple, for starters: It's still cheating if you are taking time or emotional energy from any partner without that partner's knowledge and consent. And it's just as immoral to be the person at the other end of someone else's cheating. The Internet has given new life to the concept of being "the other woman" (or, in modern terms, "the other man").

There are a few practical alarms for figuring out if someone is deceiving you in this regard. If someone you are flirting with declines even after months of intense on-line or phone scenes to give you a home phone number, or if someone is only willing to meet you when away on business trips, it should obviously trigger alarms! It is, however, an astonishing fact of the Internet that many, many people set aside listening to such obvious internal warning bells out of desire to believe in the person who seems so wonderful to them.

It is possible, and more common than you may think, to arrange relationships to be forthright about multiple partners. You might want to read about polyamory before you get yourself involved with someone who is or might lead you down a path of lying or cheating on someone.

Third: Even if you find a wonderful, honest net partner, "trying out" d/s on the net is not an accurate indicator of what the face-to-face experience is about. People playing on the net often forget the power of bare words -- a power that we are used to compartmentalizing when we read novels, but somehow forget to keep compartmentalized on the net. With words alone, someone can whip you bloody or ravage you sexually, and you never feel a thing except the parts you want to imagine you feel! It is common for people new to the powerful emotions of BDSM to be swept away when they find someone who matches their interests and fulfills things they never dreamed.

But it is the very bareness of the words that lets the reader or listener fill in everything that is left out according to his or her desires or hottest fantasies. Unfortunately, six months of fantasizing about how perfect playing with someone is does not always bear out in real life. It can be either much better or much worse than you dream. In the best of all worlds, even a bad encounter that results in a person's realizing that that particular partner was not a good match still leaves behind the realization that face-to-face play was what he or she did long for. If you want to be open to such positive silver linings if things go wrong, it is useful before meeting someone to remind yourself to be a little realistic. Rein in your imagination in favor of practicality: then you will be less likely to be disappointed. More specifically still, be prepared for the following: Whether or not that particular net relationship works out, "real life" D/s is so substantively different from the net version that it often becomes impossible to conceive of returning to playing (and sometimes even courtship) on the net.

The very fact that the experiences are different doesn't mean that playing on the net is not wonderful, intense, or just as real and valid an experience as the face-to-face experience of BDSM. But you are foolish to not listen to the fact that, based on the experiences of thousands of others before you, net or phone D/s is not usually an accurate indicator or way to "try out" what D/s might be like for you to experience it face-to-face. There is some information in trying it out on the net, but that information is minimal and seems to vary a lot from person to person.

Fourth: When it actually comes to meeting someone, no matter how in love you are and no matter how sure you think you are of this other person, it helps to take a minute to remember some safety basics. If the person is who he or she says he is, he'll bend over backwards to want to make you feel safe enough: and it is your definition of "safe enough" that matters.

Remind yourself that the person might never show up; or might not be in love with you as he or she seems on the net. The person might be inexperienced about safety matters despite claims of years of experience, but too shy or too foolish to admit it; or worst of all, might be a rapist, stalker, or killer. The probability of that latter might be low; but some precautions are easy to take.

One rule of thumb you know already: Any time you meet a new prospective partner, be it vanilla or BDSM, it makes sense to do so in a public location, like a restaurant or public place. Do not forget this just because you have been talking to someone on the net for six months and you are sure the person is safe enough for you! With the advent of the Internet as a method of making dates with people who are not known even a little bit from work or through a friend, this precaution has become even more critical. Another well-known and recommended precaution for making dates with complete strangers is to let a friend know you are meeting someone new and where, and to make an arrangement with your friend such that if you do not call in by a certain time, the friend will do whatever is necessary to find you, including calling the police.

Here is what you may not know is common, though. BDSM activities potentially go so far beyond vanilla sex that additional customs and safety precautions have evolved. The most common additional custom in BDSM is for experienced Doms to offer references. This custom is so surprising to newcomers that it takes some getting used to. Ordinary social behavior does not include going to a former or current partner of one's vanilla lover to ask if that person is safe. But in BDSM, asking a prospective Dom/sub or references and then following through and speaking to those references is the norm. In fact, if you are talking to a prospective Dom/sub does not volunteer or even refuses to let you speak to any former or current partners, it should set off warning bells. Think about it: do you want to go to a hotel room with someone who is going to tie you up without getting some kind of reference?

And though it might feel awkward, it is a good idea to keep copies of any correspondence you do with a prospective partner. Although the laws vary in different regions and circumstances, clear advance discussions can mean the difference between determining what was consensual and what was assault after the fact. Keeping copies is a useful contractual protection for Doms and subs alike if the only use they are put to is to help the partners to figure things out afterwards with no resort to the extremity of the legal measures that could be necessary in the event of a horrible outcome. Certainly it would be a warning bell for a prospective partner to object to your keeping copies, or to refuse to put things into writing.

Unfortunately, nothing can protect you but your own self from the emotional harms that can happen by falling for someone who is not what he or she says he is. Or the harm you can do others if you get sucked into dissembling, lying, or cheating. The number of variants of these sad occurrences is beyond count. But the net does not have to be this way: Just don't be naïve. Males and females alike get hurt, and often keep their hurts to themselves in their embarrassment. You are not alone if it happens to you. You can guard against its happening to you if you listen to the experiences of others. Great net relationships do happen; and if you keep your expectations realistic, they might happen for you.

Lady Gwyneth Rose

Sleeping Beauty Publication

Seekers home page