The
Illusion of Control
I posed a question in chat recently regarding a collared submissive's right to say "no" to Master/Mistress. As I suspected, it elicited a spirited discussion and a variety of opinions. I too have an opinion, and while it is no more valid than anyone else's, I thought it had the makings of a good posting.
Control of a submissive is an illusion. There, I said it. I'll take a few minutes and let many of you regain your composure. That long enough? Ok, I'll explain.
It seems that most people have a good grasp on the many specifics regarding D/s philosophy. Most are aware of safe, sane and consensual. Most are aware of a submissive's rights. Most are generally aware of the expectations attached to the role of Dominant and submissive in a relationship. In short, most see the trees. But how do these disparate notions make themselves into a forest, especially when many of the concepts may appear to be contradictory?
For purpose of this article I wish to dispense with refusals surrounding limits and safety. Those are situations in which submissives are universally expected to express their free will to say "no" in order to protect themselves. However, there are other times in which a submissive may say "no" to a Dominant's request, when their safety or limits are not at issue.
In answer to my question in the chat room, many said that the submissive could not say "no" to areas of his/her life that had been given in submission to Master/Mistress. Still, they recognized that a submissive has free will, and submission must be given freely. Many said that a Dominant should "force" their wishes upon a submissive. Yet they recognized that force was tantamount to abuse, for it would no longer be consensual. Some pointed out that submissives should properly identify the areas of their lives in which submission was offered. But as humans, there are times in which submissives will change their minds. They have the right and free will to do so. Most thought that some sort of punishment would be in order. But punishment that is forced upon an unwilling submissive is also abuse.
How then, do we reconcile these contradictory elements of a D/s relationship? Who has the control? How can a submissive have free will, and yet be made to comply with the wishes of their Dominant? How can a Dominant "impose" their will upon an unwilling submissive, without being abusive?
First and foremost, let's recognize what the origin of that "control" is. It is the “power exchange”. It is the free will of the submissive. A submissive willingly accepts control, or there is no control at all. That submission is, as we all know, earned by virtue of love, respect, honesty, and all of the elements of a relationship that are necessary for one to offer such a glorious gift to One that has demonstrated their worthiness. Those elements will of course differ from individual to individual, but the important concept is that they must be present before a submissive can or will offer their submission.
But submission is not a light switch. It is not all or nothing. It is not on or off. There are an infinite number of gradients in between. And a submissive may be at any one of those infinite points on any given day, and prone to change. So in order to help conceptualize what submission is, consider it to be similar to a dimmer switch, rather than an on/off switch. The light is turned on gradually, or off gradually. The submission may vary from day to day. What was agreeable yesterday, may not be agreeable today. What was offered in submission today, may be more or less than what is offered tomorrow. The trick, then, is to help him/her to want to submit consistently.
As that level of submission brightens or dims, so does the "control" of the Dominant. The Dominant has only the control that is given by the submissive at that moment. No more, no less. Attempt to take more and you have a fight on your hands. Along with the resulting anger, frustration and resentment. Accept only what is offered you as a Dominant, and you are not fulfilling your obligations to guide and achieve personal or lifestyle growth.
Gosh, what's a poor Dominant to do?
Several people involved in the conversation recognized that there may be a good reason for a submissive to say "no". But what seems like a good reason to a submissive, may not seem so great to a Dominant. They did suggest discussing the underlying reasons for saying "no", and I wholeheartedly agree. I would strongly suggest finding some time to sit down and discuss things in a level, dispassionate manner. Perhaps you might find one of the following situations apply:
There are times when submissives test limits of acceptable behavior, or self determination. It is up to the Dominant to apply those limits consistently.
Moods change from day to day. We get up on the right side or the wrong side of the bed sometimes. That can’t be helped. What can be helped is how we respond to others around us, even if we’re not feeling all that great.
The submissive may have issues that he/she would like to discuss, but can’t decide how to start the conversation. Sometimes an argument serves the purpose of being a catalyst.
Submission is rather like the ocean, with tides that come and go in an eternal ebb and flow. It may simply indicate that the cycle is reaching “low tide” again. That’s not a reason for this to be acceptable behavior, but a recognition that Dominants are charged with helping submissives with the kind of personal and lifestyle growth that enhances submission, bringing the tide back in.
Some submissives use confrontation as a form of self-punishment. Perhaps there is underlying guilt for some other transgression that diligent questioning will reveal.
There may be a lack of motivation. At times submissives need help in realizing the progress they’ve made, or be reminded of their personal and lifestyle goals.
There are submissives that occasionally enjoy the confrontation, and resultant “punishment” or discipline.Rover«§»
Copyright 2001