The
myths of the 'missive
"So who wants to be dominated?"
Many supposed Dom/mes find themselves a bit suprised when opening lines like this somehow fail to be met with hordes of subbies moist with anticipation.Those who continue on this path soon find that not only are the subs not keen on this premise, but are actually quite vocal about their feelings on the matter. If not flat-out hostile.
Sometimes, the stunned Dom/me will make some remark to the pack about how the subs "need to be taught their place". Well, as it turns out, most subs DO know their place, learned it long ago. And it ain't with their faces buried in the crotch of any Dommy-Come-Lately who swaggers into the room.
Sadly, this poor soul has fallen prey to... the STEREOTYPE!
The stereotypes should be familiar to A/all. The submissive female... a docile, opinionless creature who exists only to serve, who can only find happiness in being treated like the slut she really is. The submissive male... a weak, shame-filled abuse-sponge seeking harsh, demanding women,who can only find happiness in being treated like the slut he really is.
This is what is technically known as "a steaming bucket of horse crap."
While i am loathe to make broad generalizations about any group of people, i'd like to think that most subs are on the same page, that their reasoning for choosing this lifestyle can honestly be traced to a few simple, common traits that they happen to share with most of the rest of humanity. Those that are serious about it on any level, at least... i think we all grok that some just do the "Master/slave" thing just for pure online kink with whoever comes along, and they can be ignored for the purposes of this rambling pile of words. This is to all You new Dom/mes out there who are actually looking into the lifestyle with intent to participate beyond mere private-chat-perversions with strangers, and into having actual relationships and conversations with actual people who You can call Your friends, be it online or in the flesh.
Yeah, i know... "A sub giving a Dom/me advice?!" Well, yeah. we're allowed.And that's what this is all about... dispelling some of the misconceptions One who is new to all this might have about us wacky submissives. Like any other relationship, D/s is give and take, from *both* sides. There's lots to learn, and always will be, both about the lifestyle... and *yourself*. And no-one will think less of You for admitting as such... quite the contrary.Everyone was new to it at some point. People who are genuinely interested in the lifestyle and are willing to seek out advice are more than welcome.That's why this essay, this web site is here.
So, kick back, relax, have a silly little graphic of a beverage of You rchoice, and let's punch a few holes in the walls, shall we?
SUBS AREN'T WEAK
Ever seen someone jump into a room and demand servitude from the subs? Guess who's usually the first to jump down their throat? That's right... the subs.You REALLY want to see some fireworks, try insulting a sub's Master. The Crocodile Hunter hasn't faced anything as scary as a pissed-off sub.
"submissive" does not equal "doormat". subs can be just as rowdy,opinionated, bullish, goofy, cruel and unpredictable as anyone else. we're individuals, with all the variety of human life that that entails.
Hell, look at me. A submissive, yes... but i'm also an incurable smartass, but my Love wouldn't have me any other way. She knew all that long before the chain went around my neck and the ring went on myfinger.
submission is not weakness. It is merely the way in which some seek to complete themselves. It is their Master that fulfills them, makes them whole. their pleasure is in knowing that they please the One they have given themselves to... heart, mind and soul. A sense of belonging and worth, of giving, and above all knowing to their core that their Master/Mistress truly and deeply understands them and appreciates their efforts.
Of course... the mirror-image is just as true. Dom/mes too are incomplete without Their subs. It is the sub who empowers the Dom/me. they willingly give their power to the One that has earned it, trusting that power will notbe abused.
COLLARING IS CONSENSUAL
That's right, put that club away, Alley Oop. You can't go to the Redassed Lobster and have Your pick from the sub tank. Don't work like that.
Y'see, the sub chooses their Master just as the Master chooses Their sub. It's a two-way street. And subs can be pretty choosy... oh, flirting is one thing. You'd be hard-pressed to find even *collared* subs who don't engage in flirting on some level. But when it comes to having the collar clasped around the neck, be in online or in the flesh... it's an important decision that's being made, one not to be taken lightly. Both Dom/me and sub need to be sure they're doing the right thing.
So how does one arrive at this point? Ever heard the trite-but-true expression about catching flies with honey rather than vinegar? That's how my fly got caught. Hey, some subs dig that.
Have You tried learning about the subs around You, seeing what makes them tick, their likes and dislikes, seeing if You're actually compatable with them? Interestingly enough, it works pretty much like any other relationship... or at least, it should, if You want an emotionally fulfilling one. That girl You've been chatting up for the last hour simply might not be into being hog-tied and urinated on. i can't say the premise leaves me throbbing with anticipation.
Yes, that's right... not every sub is into the many levels of kink-play.While You'll almost certainly find a predisposition towards mild bondage and spankings (at least in cyber, often in jest amongst friends), chances are You're gonna come across some who just ain't into it, let alone being Someone's "toilet slave". And even if they are into some form of kink, it's not *the* thing that cements the relationship. Not by a long shot. Subs, like everyone else, need emotional stimulation too. Many are simply looking for a loving, caring relationship with One they can trust, talk to, have fun simply being with. The sex is a hyper-pleasant bonus.
Have You earned their trust? That's one of the biggies, if not THE biggie. Remember, the sub is giving themselves to You completely, mind as well as body. It's a huge responsibility to accept this. You have to be able to read them properly, know how to respond. You are the One they will go to when they're down, when they have problems, when they need someone to support them. You have to know when it's time to be a Dom/me, and when it'stime to put the handcuffs and petroleum jelly aside and simply be a friend who is there for them. If not... well, get ready to find a broken collar one day.
And uncollared subs aren't going to vanish forever tomorrow. i'm always amused by Dom/mes who lament Their sublessness, and when asked how long They've been there, give a reply along the lines of "two days". Because We all know the central building block to a relationship is speed.
Hey, i live in the South. i've seen more people who have been married, divorced, and had two kids before they even hit their mid-twenties than i feel this species needs. We really don't need that kind of foolhardy behaviour in this lifestyle.
SUBS ARE PEOPLE TOO
Remember, subs are people like any other. we haven't dehumanized ourselves. we haven't denied ourselves the right to love, pleasure, happiness. we merely seek those things through the love, pleasure and happiness of Others.
Though we bow and kneel, we do it as a sign of respect, and respect should follow respect. It is an offering, yes, but also a test... how One TAKES that offering reflects heavily upon You. How You treat subs as a whole will dictate how they respond to You as individuals.
i've run into far too many Dom/mes talking about the things They want Their subs to do, some pretty degrading stuff, and when asked if the sub is into that, the reply comes out "they're My sub. they'll do what I tell them to"... as if whether or not the sub *likes* being strapped to a glory hole and left there for a while doesn't matter one bit. Gee. (i swear i'm not making that example up.) Let's talk abandonment issues, or at least disease control.
Again, the sub willingly submits to a Dom/me because they trust that they will be treated well for their efforts, that the Dom/me will care for them,not treat them like a paper towel. You'd be hard-pressed to find a sub who is *truly* into getting punished and treated badly. Punishment is something to be avoided, a sign of failure. It breaks a sub's heart to see their Master displeased... but most are going to make sure they give themselves to One who CAN be pleased without utter degradation.
...
Well, there You have it. Remember, every sub is different, and not all of this applies to every situation, but... consider it a good rule of thumb. In my experience and observations, keeping these words in mind and heeding them should greatly improve Your chances of meeting actual people and having an actual relationship with them... leading up to finding a special one who will give You the honor of kneeling before You, head bowed, for You to place a collar around their neck, one who will honor and please You with all theirheart.
Or, at the very least, not get Your virtual butt shredded by everyone in the room.
By Spirit's white tiger