Virtual
Domination
Real Life play is wonderful. It's exhilarating, it's fun, it can be intensely erotic. And some people are lucky enough to be able to play whenever they want. Usually though, there are limitations - time, distance, other obligations - which mean we can't just whip up a scene whenever we feel like it. It's a big, wide world out there, and sometimes its hundreds - or even thousands - of miles that seperate us from our play partner. However, RL isn't the only way to explore and experience BDSM. It is often said, that our most developed sexual organ is our brain - and that's were cyber-BDSM comes in. Of course, everyone's heard of cyber sex. There are a plethora of online chatrooms where you can go to have one-night cyber-stands, and talk to people you don't know in third person all pretending you're getting down to hot and kinky sex - this article isn't about them. Rather, I want to look at how technology can work in and enhance a BDSM relationship.
One of the most difficult things about cyber play is that the only toy you have is your imagination. It's also one of the most exciting. This can be that grey area where fantasy and reality meet, where you can try out new things safe in the knowledge that the worst thing that will happen is the connection dropping. It can give you the confidence to explore that thing you've been thinking about for a while, but are too embarrassed / nervous / unsure whether you'll like it to bring it up face to face.
For the idle amongst you, cyber has the advantage of taking very little physical effort. No squeezing oneself into a 22" corset, or ending up with a pulled muscle from too much flogging.
You don't have to spend two hours getting ready to indulge in an online scene, and there's no worry of getting pulled over by the police whilst your driving to the venue dressed in a rubber catsuit with a bag full of floggers. Cyber is fun, safe and sexy. And you can enjoy it from the comfort of your computer chair.
The Cyber Tools
In the beginning, there was the phone, and the phone still is a wonderful piece of equipment in any long distance relationship. Being able to hear the voice of the person you're talking to provide a closeness that other forms of virtual interaction just can't provide Describing a fantasy and listening to the changes in someone's breathing is intensely erotic.With the mobile phone you can call from, or make your sub receive the call, anywhere. Hands free mobile phones add a whole other dimension.
Text messages are just as convenient, but have the advantage of being wonderfully discreet. Want to distract him at work? A simple SMS-ed 'Slut' should do the trick. Email isn't as interactive and immediate as other online forms of communication, but it can be particularly useful for sets of instructions, or vivid descriptions of fantasies. Write the mail, then send the text message 'Check your mail' when you know he's in no position to do so.
IRC has the benefit of being real time. Unfortunately, due to its public nature, there can be the risk of people butting in, or at least getting a constant string of private messages from single male sub sharks on the look-out. ICQ is my favourite tool for online domination. Like IRC, it's real time - your conversation and actions are happening right there and then, but you also have privacy. And unlike the phone, you have some time to think about what you're going to say - so there's less chance that those early scenes are going to grind to an embarrassing 'don't know what to say now' end.
The web cam. For some people, the web cam is an essential part of cyber domination. They want to be able to *see* their sub carrying out their instructions. For me, this isn't important. If I've given an instruction, I know it will be carried out. I will not doubt that my sub will fail to obey my instructions - I don't need any proof other than the trust I have in him. My approach to virtual domination
For me, cyber is primarily an element of a relationship, rather than a relationship in itself. I don't enjoy playing with someone as much if I don't have RL experience with them - however infrequent that is. It can be several things - a stop gap, a release when I need it, part of the anticipation before a RL scene.It's important that I'm truthful when cyber-scening. If I'm not there tying a sub up in a strait jacket, there's no point me telling him I am doing. It doesn't work for me. I tend to tell me sub 'Imagine if...', so that I am describing a fantasy, rather than pretending it's really happening. I wouldn't do anything in a cyber scene that I wouldn't do in real life.
The Practical Approach
Of course, where the fun really starts is when you add elements of real life play to your cyber scenes. Describing what you're going to do to him next time you see him - no matter how far away that is - is good, but knowing your sub is sitting at his keyboard wearing nipple clamps is when you're telling him is wonderful. There are many toys a sub can easily use on himself during a cyber scene - it seems a shame not to use them. It's important to give clear instructions - and to think them through before you give them. There's no point in telling your sub to tie himself to the chair, then instructing him to go and get his nipple clamps. I would usually issue a 'meta-instruction' first - something along the lines of "I am about to give you some instructions. Do not carry them out until I've told you 'Do it'" And I check that my sub understands what he has to do before issuing the final command. It's important to remain in control throughout. If you forget something important, rather than breaking the flow of the scene and admitting you've screwed up, weave it into the scene itself. You've got your sub to tie himself up before he's got the nipple clamps. Tell him to enjoy the sensation of restraint for a few minutes before telling him you're going to add something else to that, and he's to untie himself and get the clamps.Safety Warning! Never give instructions that put the sub in danger It's your responsibility to make sure you don't put your sub in a situation he can't get out of.
It's also important to make your instructions as specific as possible Rather than 'Take out your cock' try 'Take out your cock - as quickly as possible and without playing with it' Rather than 'You are allowed to play with yourself', try 'You are allowed to run your hand up and down your cock - slowly - five times. This leaves you very in control - and gives your sub the delicious feeling of being utterly dominated.
Interaction is important. Ask your sub questions - make them take an active part in the scene. It's not just a matter of issuing a set of instructions to which your sub can replay automaton fashion - "completed". Asking your sub how he is feeling can give you ideas as to where to go - it can also make some very erotic reading.
An example of a cyber scene
Finally, here's a wonderful scene I had online some time ago, with a sub who I emailed regularly. It still gives me shivers thinking about it.I told my sub to get a roll of gaffer tape and some scissors, and to cut of a strip of tape to gag himself with.Then I told him to put on his nipple clamps, take out his cock and put on a strap. The next instruction was quite a complicated one. Making sure the scissors were within his reach, he was to tape his left arm to the chair. So now I had a sub who was gagged, clamped and nicely secure - but was still able to type and quite safe. I then allowed him to play with himself, whilst he focused on certain things - being wrapped up in cling film, being whipped, being suffocated - and each time he had to stop before he climaxed. He would them type 'stopped' to let me know. For some scenarios, I was very specific as to what my sub thought about, for others I gave him some freedom and then asked him what he had thought about after he'd typed 'stopped'. I got some very hot answers. I'm not going to give you any more detail than that. Throughout the scene I asked him questions such as 'How do you feel?' so I could ascertain he was okay. Half way through the scene, for example, I decided the clamps had probably been on long enough and were hurting too much, so I told him he could remove them (because he had one hand free this didn't interfere with the pace of the scene). I ended the scene by allowing him to climax, telling him to tidy himself up and report back, then wishing him good night.
And I had very sweet dreams